Wednesday, September 24, 2014

How The Other Half Smells.

How it all begins is one day you start 
to get pains in your face that make you go home and google 
Face Cancer. 
Don't google that. 
Never google that. 

It's best to just pretend like it happens to everyone that around 1 pm on a daily basis we all start to weep uncontrollably from our right eye and need to become horizontal immediately. 

Yes, even if you're driving a truck. 

Then you fast forward two or three months and decide to become proactive (finally) and you go to the doctor and she says you're wasting her time because she can't even see into your nose on account of the infection that's taken hold and she puts you on some antibiotics and you feel like, pretty great about everything and everybody because, BOOM! problem solved and everything. 
That is until it starts up again and you've run out of antibiotics and excuses to not see another doctor and when you finally do THEY order some scans and tell you they'll call you with results. 
Remember, do not google Face Cancer. 
Don't get cute and google Face Plague either. 
That's just dumb. 
Eventually they call and tell you you have what are called "polyps" in your sinuses and you can very easily have them removed. 
Great you say, and then you wait about another month or two to deal with them. 


Wow the week before you go deal with them is a whirlwind of people asking how come you didn't do this earlier and you have to be all like "because I LIKE polyps in my sinuses, I named them and everything."
You named them Popeyes, btw. 

Flash forward and next thing you know is you've got the day off, you have an I.V. In your arm and the doctor is telling you not to worry, your quality of life is about to drastically improve. 

Last thing you think as you drift into your anisthesia coma is how does the doctor know if your quality of life is in need of any significant repairs?
What does she mean? Will you wake up with a helper monkey?
What.. whaaatdoeszsheemean?...

You are awake and your feet are kicking and you feel like crying and screaming at the same time while you frantically race down the hall looking for your clothes and your polyp. 


Apparently, though, in reality, you dressed yourself and they handed you over to the most beautiful set of blorange eyes you've ever seen. You can't wait to go get Dairy Queens, but you forget to say this because you kind of are stoned from your I.V. still so instead you just try not to puke in the car.

Later, after you are awake and rid of the sleepy chemicals, you gingerly assess the damage and find that the doctor knew what she was talking about. 
Things seem clearer, sounds soind better, there is a strange feeling in your throat and you realize it's the first time you've been able to inhale through your nose since you don't know when. 

And then you do this,

And it all instantly becomes the best decision you ever made. 


I named it SpongeBlob and I forgot where I put it.

Have a great day!

1 comment:

  1. Oh myyyy. Glad you can breathe again!


No dick heads please.