Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Sad Parade Of Progress.

I was telling Sergio today about how I remember all of my old attempts at progress.
My schemes for betting myself and my life were, looking back, always just... schemes.
They would sound plausible at the time.
And I could even be very excited and determined about them.
What I am trying to say is that even I, Matthew, would believe them.

THAT'S how convincing they were in my brain.

And then, over a very short period they would whither and die.
If I was lucky my medical history would step in and save me.

When I think back, I must have sounded so lost.

Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed or trying to feel sorry for myself.
When I was telling Sergio, even though I was kind of embarrassed, I was also other things.
I was less lost, more proud, further along and impressed with myself.

I guess the thing that no one told me was that this all takes time.
And as long as you don't screw up too big, you can have a lot of it to figure things out.
It didn't matter that I was floundering about, I was finding my way as I went.
And I was doing it independently of the institutions designed to put you in place like college, full time jobs
the military or prison.

Sure I am seeing how a little bit of focus back then would benefit me immensely now.
But the important thing is that I am seeing it now, as in I am seeing it eventually.
And in the mean time I really worked on myself a lot.
I gave myself my own focus, I taught myself the things I wanted to learn, or I asked someone else to help me.
I have hobbies and interests that I only discovered BECAUSE I wasn't in the institutions.
Although it would have benefited my desire to fire a machine gun and jump out of an airplane had I gone through with the Air Force Debacle of '99.

My point is that I can use my focus for good now.
I can use it to actually better myself and, more importantly, my family.
I mean, look what I have done with it all so far!
I assembled a family!

I guess when I was originally talking with Serg about it, I was imagining my life after High School as
this long and hot, dry and dirty path and every few months you would come across one of my failed schemes, my "plans".

A dried up carcass.
A crude foundation, abandoned.
Burned out bridge.

I am having a party to celebrate my progress on Oct. 24th around 5pm.
Feel free to stop by, I will bake some cookies and there will be drinks.

1 comment:

  1. shelley told me that it's totally better to start something, to try it out, and see if you like it, then to do nothing. to just stand around waiting for someone to tell you the answers. she said you can always decide it's not working, but you wouldn't know unless you tried it. that's for real i think! who says you have to follow thru with every single scheme?


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