Between the Wave and the Stove.

I am looking at a photo of myself sleeping on my Grandpa's couch.
It makes me so sad.
I haven't slept like that in years.
Just. Out.
Comfortable and cared for, watched over and protected.

I feel like a chump.
I am the biggest chump.
Doing the right things, where does that get you?
Being the "stand up kinda guy"?
Why?

You know that feeling of when you look at someone that you are so used to and all of a sudden you realize you only know that one particular angle, that one side in a certain light?
And you are only used to it because maybe you just weren't paying attention or something?
Or you just kind of figured that things were the way they were, but you know, it was nothing to be alarmed over?

I don't know.
There is just a lot of things to deal with lately.
We got all this company coming over.
And T had to go to the hospital.
She is fine, but it was pretty bad timing.
As far as adding one more thing to the plate.
One more uninvited guest at the table.

Past jobs are a source of constant thought.
One of my favorites was working a big 8 burner stove.
Sauteing many different pans at once, monitoring progress.
Adding sauces, watching heat.
Timing new dishes, new pans.

I feel like I am back at this stove, chained to this stove.
New burners appear at a moments notice and with no preparation at all.
New dishes are demanded, and very few cancelled orders come through.
Some burners disappear as soon as two new ones ignite.
Some require tending for years.
And I am looking for my relief.
A huge glass of ice water, or a fresh set of hands to watch everything while I go outside for some air.

Orders keep going up, and I am yelling for help.
The heat is really intense and usually I am in it... man, I am riding this wave of determination.
But right now, lately, recently for as long as I can remember?
I am standing under the wave, it is poised right behind me, waiting.
I know it is there and I am standing slack, spatula at my side and a far off look in my eyes.
I can't do anything about it now.

I just comfort myself thinking about past jobs and what I liked about them.