Saturday, August 12, 2006

hey. i am here. do you see me?

I realized why I was so nervous bout Charlie and Preston and matt stopping by, it is because I always wonder and worry if I will still seem like how I used to seem back when we hung out all the time. I was telling truen that I think that I am cool, but I don’t think that other people do, and I am surprised when people want to talk to me, or want to know what I think about something, I just don’t feel like people usually see me as cool as I see myself. And I always think that with time, your memories of people, or places take on this certain way in your mind and you sort of embellish it by making it better or worse than it actually was. See that is how cool I am to myself, I think that everyone else in the world think like I think. But I guess not because it was really awesome to see those guys again.
But another part of why I am so standoffish about seeing old friends like that is that it is very sad to me also. Time is precious, right? And I feel like you can’t fit all you want to do or say into small conversations and interactions. And so when Charlie is standing by me, or Preston add matt are talking with me in the rec room, part of me can’t help but notice how my time with these guys will become less and less frequent. How these little moments are kind of what I will always remember. Did you ever see the movie Peggy sue got married with Kathleen turner where she goes back in time to high school but she takes with her the knowledge and experience of her forty year old self? There is a part where she is sitting with her grandparents, and they are talking to her about life and death and she is just so happy to see them alive for one last time, but she knows that this can’t last, and that no matter what, you can’t cram more into something than that thing can hold to begin with. When she leaves her grandparents she is crying and just wanting to stay and hug them for as long as possible. That is how I feel when I see my old friends. I don’t want it to end, because when they leave, I can’t go with them. As if they are getting into some time machine and going back to when we played music together and rode skateboards together and all the other things that you do when you don’t know what else to do with your life. I can hardly stand the thought. I never want to say goodbye.
My mom used to say that to me when I was little, that I never wanted to say goodbye. We would go visit my cousins in Illinois and we would stay and eat dinner and I would get to play outside with them and wee would just run around and be kids, and then I would have to get into the car and leave, but who wants to do that when you are having so much fun? Who wants the fun and excitement to end? Not 7-year-old Matthew Kirk. But a bigger part of that is that you know that you are going back to your normal life. Your house that you know by heart and could probably walk through with your eyes closed. Your normal routines, your normal diet, the normal sounds that are in the air when you step out onto your normal porch.
There is so much to say about all of this, but a lot of it is just repetitive and too nostalgic. But I had a nice time seeing my old friends. I guess that is the moral of this post. So when you are re-capping this post to your friends and peers, the ones too busy to read about the interesting inner workings of my big head, you can just sum it all up by saying, “Matthew had a nice time seeing his old friends, and he realized what a silly thing it is to worry that old friends won’t accept the new you, because if they were ever actually your friends, then they should be able to see past the bullshit.” I hope you guys are good. lovematthew

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