Friday, August 11, 2006

what are those words?

i was listening to my boss talk to a customer this morning about when he graduated from college and his adventures he had. it reminded me of how i don't try hard enough. it isn't always because i am lazy, but lots of times it is just a lack of confidence iin myself. i was making a list of things that i wanted to do but didn't. and almost each and every time i didn't do them because i didn't believe that i could, and i thought i would fail trying. the whole time i was thinking about this i wass chopping red peppers and i didn't even cut off any of my fingers whicch is amazing since i was so totally deep in my thoughts. little things are fine for me to handle and summon the confidence i need to achieve my goals. but when it comes to something large, i get really scared and i just can't make myself do it. i am my biggest obstacle. it is a sad realization, but an important one i suppose.
well let me tell you about my teeth grinding problem. i think that i am stressing myself out about the fall and winter plans. it would help if i had any, but the lack of plans is resulting in me not acting like my normal self and last night when i was sleeping i started to grind my teeth. it wass really gross feeling and i woke myself up several times, but every time ii fell back to sleep i would start again. finally truen gave me a pen and i stuck that in my mouth to keep me from ruining my teeth. i thiink it worked fine, but i am not looking forward to getting used to a life off chewing on a pen in my sleep. it sounds horrible.
and finally charlie and preston and matt garvin are visiting for the weekend. jim asked if truen adn i wanted toplay baseball or something with all of them, but i really don't want to. i know that we used to hang out all the time, but it just makes me too sad to think about seeing them. it isn't like it used to be and i don't know how to deal with it. i hardly see jim anymore and i haven't seen charlie in a long time, preston and matt in an even longer time. i feel like some people are supposed to jsut remain your friends in the past part of your memory. is that true? i don't knwo, i feel like i lack the social skills to properly hang out with anyone anymore.
well, i have some soul searching to do, so, if you'll excuse me, goodbye. lvoematewh

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