Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The party you came for.

Did you know that I have feelings?
You maybe also have these, but I am not talking about you right now.
I thought that I tended to them pretty regularly but recently it was brought to my attention that I was neglecting them.
And I was doing this neglecting them in order to keep my family together.
Or so I thought!
Maybe I was just sick of dealing with them.
Where does it ever end up getting you anyways?

A long time ago I took control of the raft.
And I got used to being in control of the raft.
Then I resented being in control of the raft, but guess what!?
Twas too late.
I smothered myself.
I Kirked myself.

Did you know that my own hus hurt my feelings?
It's true, why or how is not important, or at least that is what I told myself in order to further neglect my feelings.
Why was I even hurt if I don't even take care of myself? Of my feelings?
It's like the lifetime movie where the woman gives up her baby for adoption, then decides that she wants it back after some rich white lady comes along and "adopts" the baby.

But anyways, it really threw me for a loop.
But it was also probably the best things she could have done for me.
It was like a very powerful, open handed slap right before I froze to death.
It was like being pulled from a house full of carbon monoxide.

I wish that I could say that I wasn't speaking from experience with both of those experiences.

It was like being slapped right before you were drifting into a coma and the slapper flees immediately leaving you dazed and angry and wanting revenge but unable to move properly because you have "coma legs" and you just fall down when you try to stand up.
It was like that but less funny.

Then when I finally got myself up and running I felt so behind! Like I could still see the bastardly slapper I married, but she was way ahead of me and I felt like I was going to lose touch.
The thirst for blood started to subside. I had to let it go.
I had to kick my ass into gear before she took a sharp turn and I lost the trail.

Even though I was hurt and angry, I told myself that this is what I signed up for when I wrestled her down and dragged her to the Milwaukee court house.
In the end you have to decide that it is still worth it.

You have to decide this a lot.
People don't want to believe this.
Some people want to act like there is never any repeat decision to be made.
But you will know when the right time to leave is.
You will decide for yourself.
You are always deciding for yourself.

This was not the right time.

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No dick heads please.