Back and Out.

Well you know how it goes sometimes when you know you are toeing the line and at the same time you feel like there is enough history and trust between the two parties that the line is actually not that dangerous of a place to put your toes.
We all been there before I am sure.

What about when you got two people that are trying to explain themselves and they might as well just be banging their heads against each other until they are both concussed?

That's just the way we kiss after this long being married.

The Root.

God I love a good donut, or doughnut, or whatever you happen to call them.
In fact, since I am always on the look out for new information to expand my brain a bit, why don't you tell me some more about what you might call donuts while I eat the rest of the doughnuts that are sitting in front of us?
You know what you SHOULD call them?... GONE! HA! Because I ate them all, get it!?

I cut Mamma T's hair today, again, and I don't know why she even asks me to do this because basically I am just going to try and shave her head. I can't help it! I love her visible scalp! I love her ears the most though and it seems like she is always trying to hide them under some kind of hair-hat.

I don't blame her for asking me to do this, it's certainly cheaper than going to a salon and right now money is tight, all over... especially there. But I don't get why she even bothers explaining what she wants done because like I said, I just turn on those clippers and go to town! And I tell her ahead of time "I am just gonna shave it all off" and then we have a little back-and-forth about it and then next thing you know I'm ankle deep in hairs.

She had dyed it recently and then when she didn't like that, she dyed it again. The entire time I am just wondering what exactly she is trying to accomplish? I think she can identify problems but she is not always sure how to fix them? I'm not saying that her hair was a problem, SHE was saying that. And the solution she came up with was to make it blonder. But from where I was sitting on the couch, it wasn't the color that was the problem, it never is. So when she asked me to help her "fix" it, I knew what had to be done.

I look at hair as an occurrence, a happy occurrence. I consider myself lucky to have it, and I live with it until I don't like it and when I don't like it I usually just cut it off and start from scratch. But T looks at it, surprisingly, as yet another obstacle in life that was put on her head to torment her constantly and "look weird". THAT is why I always want to cut it off, because it is tormenting her and it can't do that if thar ain't harr thar...HA!

I look through our old photos, the ones that we used to get "printed" instead of "stored". So many different haircuts and colors. But my favorite ones are the short hairs, I like those the best. And I guess maybe I just associate the short hairstyle with a simpler time in our relationship when we would just make out, make food and make jokes and we didn't talk about our torments and obstacles because we just didn't give a shit.

Either way, the deed was done. I cut a whole bunch of it off, and it looks great. It'll take a little getting used to, and there is still a little more I would like to take off the top, like all of it maybe? But it is for the best really. Because we all need a fresh start sometimes, and we don't always know it when we do. And then sometimes we need someone to twist our arms a little to get us moving, just for the sake of movement. Maybe we need someone to tackle us once in a while with a clippers and give us a new head suit. It's for the good of the land.

I truly believe that it is for the good of the land.

The party you came for.

Did you know that I have feelings?
You maybe also have these, but I am not talking about you right now.
I thought that I tended to them pretty regularly but recently it was brought to my attention that I was neglecting them.
And I was doing this neglecting them in order to keep my family together.
Or so I thought!
Maybe I was just sick of dealing with them.
Where does it ever end up getting you anyways?

A long time ago I took control of the raft.
And I got used to being in control of the raft.
Then I resented being in control of the raft, but guess what!?
Twas too late.
I smothered myself.
I Kirked myself.

Did you know that my own hus hurt my feelings?
It's true, why or how is not important, or at least that is what I told myself in order to further neglect my feelings.
Why was I even hurt if I don't even take care of myself? Of my feelings?
It's like the lifetime movie where the woman gives up her baby for adoption, then decides that she wants it back after some rich white lady comes along and "adopts" the baby.

But anyways, it really threw me for a loop.
But it was also probably the best things she could have done for me.
It was like a very powerful, open handed slap right before I froze to death.
It was like being pulled from a house full of carbon monoxide.

I wish that I could say that I wasn't speaking from experience with both of those experiences.

It was like being slapped right before you were drifting into a coma and the slapper flees immediately leaving you dazed and angry and wanting revenge but unable to move properly because you have "coma legs" and you just fall down when you try to stand up.
It was like that but less funny.

Then when I finally got myself up and running I felt so behind! Like I could still see the bastardly slapper I married, but she was way ahead of me and I felt like I was going to lose touch.
The thirst for blood started to subside. I had to let it go.
I had to kick my ass into gear before she took a sharp turn and I lost the trail.

Even though I was hurt and angry, I told myself that this is what I signed up for when I wrestled her down and dragged her to the Milwaukee court house.
In the end you have to decide that it is still worth it.

You have to decide this a lot.
People don't want to believe this.
Some people want to act like there is never any repeat decision to be made.
But you will know when the right time to leave is.
You will decide for yourself.
You are always deciding for yourself.

This was not the right time.

Feed The Monster.

There is a bathroom, like a guest bathroom?
There is one of those here at my house.
The house that I rent.

I was in there that I saw a small jug of laundry detergent.
But this was a different jug than the other jug I had recently seen.
And there is a big, brand new, giant jug, underneath the sink.

SO I says to Truen I says "Did you buy another jug of detergent? Because there is
a brand new giant jug under the sink..."
I thought I was just asking a question.

But I said it in a tone that I guess sounded like I was just a big giant asshole for asking.
Like an asshole with legs and arms and a beautiful, dark mane of curly hair.
But I thought I was just trying to figure out why there was a new jug of detergent.

I went and sat in the garage, where I try to sit in for at least ten to fifteen minutes a day.
But this was almost as frustrating as my recent exchange with my wife for life.
I ended up laying outside staring at the sky and listening to Soundgarden.

Then Truen come outside and axe me if I want some ice cream drumsticks.
And now, sitting with my treat, I am realizing that I still don't know where that detergent came from.
BUT I am also eating a treat on an exclusive date with my wife.

Time truly DOES heal all wounds!
lovamtewh

Praise table.

Oh man.
Oh my lord!

This was a long, long week.
This was an exercise in patience, tolerance,
and climbing into a hole.
Mentally.
A mental hole.

Oh my god.
I been so out of it dude.

Here are some
ways to calm a
baby down:

1. Roll the baby over and then roll him over again.
Pretend like he is slowly, slowly rolling down a hill.
And remember, ALWAYS support their tiny rolling heads.

2. Pick him up and then put him down like, 20 times in a row.

What are you doing?
I been thinking about all kinds of things.
Life kinds of things.

Houses.
Cars.
Jobs.
Money.
Drawing.
Building.
Relaxing.
Baby.
Marriage.

I have to be honest and direct.

I some how put myself into this life.
The life I have now.
And I guess I have been slowly putting these pieces together.
I didn't just wake up married with a baby.
I built this box around myself.

I have to go eat something or whatever.
Truen offered to bake me a pizza.
YESSSSS!!!!!!

lovmasrthwe

Oh shit!
I totally forgot to tell you about the table I built for Truen...
In 1 HOUR!