Brother Jim

Now is when the dark times start.

I say this with the hopes that most of the dark times will blow over 

while I am busy chasing my children, maintaining and nourishing my relationship, 

painting my heart out and driving a truck 

through the city streets.

But during all of those things, 

behind it all will be the wall of clouds.

A wall of gray.

The other night, before I was to go home to Wisconsin.

Before I had to go and hold my people while we all shook with grief

Burger's tooth was loose. 

a front one.

a big deal.

I loosened it for a while, and so did he. 

He chomped on an apple and I listened for the sound a loose tooth makes 

when it is ready to be set free.

But dude was nervous, he kept saying it wasn't ready.

-Look, that tooth IS ready and it needs to get out of your head before i leave for my trip.

...okay...

-Would it make you feel better if you pulled on it instead?

...yes...

And so he pulled and twisted and suddenly there was his tooth

tiny and square in my palm.

He smiled a bloody smile and we all cheered and he beamed with courage and pride.

Being a parent, your life is full of firsts. I am not saying that your life isn't full of firsts 

without being a parent, but maybe I just pay attention to them more now that things seem a bit more important than they did when I only had to worry about myself.

There are so many firsts.

Watching the video memorial for Jim, there were so many pictures of him before we became friends.

They were all firsts for me.

Jim running a race, Jim with a basketball, Jim in the deep Wisconsin Snows I remember.

As a father these all hit home and made sense to me.

I know that I have those same photos of my own children.

They never ran a race, but you know what I mean.

It's the idea of capturing the moment 

because you know that it is fleeting.

Soon they are on to the next thing.

Don't miss it.

They are running the race

They are playing a guitar

They are growing their hair

They are smiling at you

They are moving away

Jim got sick in a summer and he passed in a winter.

I didn't get to properly say goodbye.

I didn't get to hold his hand.

If I had been there, he probably
would have laughed at me and told me to get home.

-Dude! Think of all the firsts you're missing!

The Path Of The Way.

No one gave me a map.

If they did, I surely lost it years ago.

But what I like about Life is that 

maps don't mean shit.

I was married.

But now I am not.

I had a Son.

Now I got two.

The constants are still there from before. 

The Paint, The Axe, The Way. 

And they blend nicely in with The New. 

And The New is beautiful.
The New is helpful.
The New wears a ponytail
like no body's business.

And that's another thing I like about Life. 

Lovematthew

Middle of the Road.

What is up you guys?

I mean, what is up with you guys?

I wonder, I don't worry...

But I wonder.

It is a very hot, still heat here in the boat.

Just try not to breathe too much and you'll be fine.

 If you feel the need to sweat, that is okay.

In the meantime.

For now.

I got a sunburn.

This, coupled with my recent seasonal allergies has me worried about the future.

Big surprise, right?

But for real, if the sun is burning a Navajo, that is bad news.

It might be there is no more ozone layer.

It might be that the sun is just targeting the Anglo part of me.

But that doesn't explain my allergies.

Those are still a mystery.

Like Bigfoot.

You know I aim for symmetry and shape, right?

I like to build a pattern.

Jim, you know that guy?

He likes patterns.

He gets it.

Oh Jim, I think of him constantly.

I was driving the truck yesterday

and I started to laugh so hard about 

a thing he said... ready?

I said that eating a bagel was the equivalent of eating a loaf of bread.

Then he says "I just ate a loaf of bagels. Should I be worried?"

I had to pull over and laugh the tears away.

A real gem that guy is.

Good night.

The Real Hero.

Something I love lately,
besides lots of things,
is Burger's infatuation
with Super Heroes.

I was parked in front of
the Balloon Saloon
and I saw this wire crate.

So I jumped out.
Rearranged.

No one puts baby in the corner.

Rpetition.

A similar feeling to the last time it happened.

A Good Night.

The way that the silence creeps in is slow.

But that isn't really true living here. 

There is no true silence.

No quiet, really.

But one adjusts, and one takes what one can get.

So for now it is quiet, and soon it will be more so.

There is a bit of light, but not much.

I wait, listening to the rustling of a growing boy trying so hard to still himself.

The breathing soft and steady.

Traffic moves softly outside and there is a bit of a breeze.

The whir of a hard drive.

Typing noise.

Sweaty beads of condensation on my glass of ice.

That's a game of patience right there.

And me? 

I just wrestle with the situations over and over again.

I think I got a good hold and then in a blink I am flipped on my back 

with a weight on my throat.

But you know.

Life, Bro.

 

Don't Worry.

 I mean, I get it.

I understand how one could question one's existence.

On this planet.

In this moment.

... I get it.

The thing is that when you lay back and let the 

sun warm your eyelids nothing seems like it matters.

And in the best possible way.

It is so easy to question 

why things are the way that they are

or whom the things are that they are with.

But when all is said and done

I truly believe that Nature will 

wipe us all away and the things

that we thought mattered most

will be nothing but fossils 

for future species to marvel at.

Call me crazy.

But hug 'em if you got 'em

I love you guys.

Power Bands.

Things happen in a flash.

That is something I have always said.

One minute you are minding your own business.

The next minute you almost chop your arm off.

What happened was that I was closing my truck door, the door to the box.

And I got my arm caught right as the door was slamming down.

Right onto my wrist!!

I thought for sure that I broke my wrist, and this was a "best case scenario".

I really thought I probably had just chopped my hand off at the wrist

and any second the pain would register and I would faint at the sight of a bloody stump.

Squirting blood and bone goo.

Fortunately for me, Burger had long ago slipped some power bracelets onto my arm.

It's true! I watched him do it... kinda.

I was pretty much asleep, but I have a hazy memory....

He really had to work pretty hard at it, 

his tongue was sticking out and everything.

 Because of his hard work I still have my hand.

I truly believe this.

That tiny band of jelly plastic saved me.

It sacrificed itself for the greater good.

(My hand being the greater good in this story.)

So that evening, I was about to put a piece of steak into my mouth

and as I was raising the fork to my mouth I noticed that the yellow power bracelet was broken.

The sight of this broken bracelet almost ruined my appetite for steak.

Almost.

It wasn't until the following morning that I put two and two together

and realized what must have happened.

It's a weird thing how we assign importance to certain items and how we think that 

they might be with us forever. I actually thought I might be buried 

with these bracelets on my wrist.

Who knows? I still have the red one...

 

 

Sugar Buzz

Sometimes I wish.

Then I remember that wishing is lazy.

Being lazy goes against one of my main principles of life which is to not be lazy.

Because nothing good comes out of being lazy.

It doesn't mean you can't give yourself a break, or take a nap or whatever...

But if there is something that needs to be done, then you need to do it to your best ability.

Otherwise it can come back to bite you in the ass and it's your own fault.

Sorry bro, but it's the truth.

 Wish is fun, but it is lazy.

Most of the time what you are wishing for is either a waste of time, or else it's within your ability to achieve or attain or acquire whatever it is you are wasting your time wishing for.

If that's the case, then you are being lazy.

What you are wishing for is for someone else to do the work for you.

Don't be lazy bro! Just roll up your sleeves and get some shit done.

You'll feel better for it.

It's not like things just magically happen.

Unless you are at a magic show.

For future reference, magic is not lazy.

It's magical.

 

Letting the Days Go By.

Shit does not get me down.

It might seem like it does sometimes.

But let me say this again:

Shit does not get me down.

I have a history of putting myself out there.

You know what?

It gets easier and easier every single time.

Sometimes you try something and Life kicks you in the nuts.

This can happen right away.

This can happen after (almost) 12 years!!

Is this any reason to hold back the next time?

F. No!!

You spend some time plotting and planning and then what you do is:

You walk up and kick Life in the nuts.

Then you take Life's sandwich and throw it on the ground.

Because you know what?

Life is what you make of it.

Don't ever let Life forget that shit.

Happy Fucking New Year.

Cookie Exchange 2012.

2012 Ornament Set.

This year I got myself into a Cookie Exchange.
My Mom club friends invited me.
I had to make 7 dozen cookies and seven ornamanets.
Almost immediately I was nervous that I would somehow not get my shit done.
I couldn't figure out what to make, and I didn't know what was going
to happen with the ornament portion.

As per usual it all worked out in the end and it was all thanks to procrastination!
I ended up making Bacon Fat Ginger Snaps.
What can I say, I got a line on some free Bacon Fat.
Like they say, "When life gives you free bacon fat..."

And conveniently I had just blown a tube on my bike, so the ornaments practically made themselves!!
Most importantly, I got everything out into the proper streams just in time.
So I am all done.
That's it!
That's all!!

Nothing to do but sit back and wait for the cookies to start rolling in.

I love having a beginning, middle and end to something.
Start and finish.
It feels great to put a big check through something on your list.
Right?
Right.

Anyways, there are other things to talk about.
But that is for later.
loveyouguys.

Four Sure.

crop circles - dugan nichols from Dudes on Vimeo.

This is my friend Dugan.
He is a shredder.
I gave him his first skateboard, it was a Sal Barbier deck, but I am not totally sure on that one.
Still, I gave it to him.
And this is what he turned into.

Crazy man.

He is part of this crew of dudes, and honestly, they are amazing.
I can only dream...
Watching them breaks my heart.
Check it out:

FOUR SURE from Dave Kiehl on Vimeo.


RIGHT!?
What the fuck is that all about?!
It is so impressive.
Not just the skating, but that they actually made that video.
Good for them.
I love them.

A Parked Car.

Eyes crack open, slowly.

Estimate the time by the slivers of light on the walls.

No radio, so it must be the weekend.

Everybody's working for the weekend.

Pull yourself to your feet.

No one else is gonna do it for you.

Might as well start cleaning.

But first a banana.

Also then an apple.

Then the vitamin bottles and powdered supplements.

It's beautiful and foggy outside.

This is what you were secretly hoping for.

Nothing personal, Sun.

Soak in the still, foggy silence.

Now brush your teeth and get to work.

The Good Land.

Everything is fine.
Everything is good.

Get Down. Get Up.

Making rice in silence.

Semi silence, I can hear the rice cooker cooking.

Also I am dictating this blog to myself, you know, talking myself through some of my main problems in my brain, trying to figure things out a little bit.

It's called cleaning house, which by the way I did today.

You're welcome.

So here I sit, in my silent sparkling apartment, chillin'.

Waiting for Rice.

And then I ask myself: How did I get here?

This brought on a wave of emotion that I have been running from for weeks.

It did everything but leave me on the floor in the fetal position.

Half way through this video I am suddenly in the delivery room, holding my brand new son, covered in a fine grey fur. I swear! He was furry for a little bit anyways, and I am crying, and I am looking at him, and I am looking at T, and there is a flurry of activity as the nurses and doctors clean up and get ready to go on to the next delivery. But I am there, holding him in my arms, thinking that somehow this all makes sense and that I have a pretty good idea of where my life is headed. I can see the whole future, my family's collective future, so clearly in that delivery room. It is glorious!

And then I am worried that my tears might not be sanitary, and maybe that I should hand him over before I get him covered in my impure tears. This is what I am thinking holding my brand new son. And then someone takes him away and I sit down into the nearest chair and crash. The view of my future was so intense, it had to have taken at least a day or two off of my life. If my hair were capable of going grey, it would have. Instead, it just got more fabulous. 

Oh my lord, you guys, what is going on?

Probably one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made was to think I had it all figured out, at least for a little while. Because you know what happens when you think you got it figured out? You know what happens when you get comfortable?

Someone, or something comes along and shows you exactly how little you actually know about yourself, your life, your surroundings, what have you.

That comfy recliner you are about to fall into gets pulled out right from under your ass.

But I'll be honest, I didn't see my current situation in that glorious vision I described.

Nope.

Not even a glimmer, or a glimpse, or whatever you might call it, wherever you are from.

You get the gist.

Not that where I am at is terrible, or awful, or whatever you might call it wherever you are from.

It just isn't what I thought it would be, right now, currently.

It's just unexpected.

It's just life.

Bro.

You Only Get One.

Have you ever had an opportunity to meet one of your Heros or Idols?
Me neither, but I did get to meet this one guy once and I really was into the art he made.
He was what you might call a "successful artist".
I was in this big group show over in Williamsburg, and all of a sudden there he was.
Down from his castle on the mountain, or where ever he was living.
And so after a while I worked up the courage to go talk with him.
I mean, he's older than me, and I respect that you know?
When people are older than me?
They've been around longer, duh.
And so I stood there and listened to him be a total cranky grouch to this young woman.
And then when it was my turn I was like:
-Hey.
and:
-I want you to come look at my work.

Guess what?
He did.
And then he was a total cranky grouch to me too.
And I loved ever single second of it.
Not because of the wisdom he was imparting, because I don't know that I totally agreed with what he was saying, but that was just it, here I was thinking that he was this wise old sage full of deep thoughts.
Turns out he was just this dude that kind of got lucky and rode the wave.
Just like most of the other people that become successful in this life.

Him: How often do you get to work?
Me: As often as I can, I mean, I have a family at home and I...
Him interrupting: SO! I had a family too, but I knew I had to work! So I left.
Me: Well yeah, but there's got to be a middle ground, no?
Him: NO! It's code!
Me: Code? Like, an artist's code... to leave?
Him: No, not code, like code, like code blooded!
Me: Oh, cold. I see. But I don't want to leave my family.
Him: ... Well. That's your problem.

It's easy to sit and spout like you know when you got yours already.
Of course the only way to get to the top is to be a code blooded dude that cuts and leaves.
I like to believe that, had he not made that life choice and still found his success, his advice would have been something more like:

Love your family, the people around you, support each other and appreciate each other and eat dinners together and laugh and be happy. Be happy with what you have and don't fuck it up. Success will come in different forms and along hidden avenues, so just be on the look out, but never lose sight of your family.

That isn't what he said though.
But it is what I would say.
Some day, if some punk kid tries to crack my brain for some life advice.
I will tell them exactly what I wish the grouch had said to me.

And you know, there is no judgement in his advice, he was just being honest.
But it felt so wrong in my ears, I knew that the only reason that life had put us together on the street that night was to solidify my own views and advice to myself.

That advice rings even more true recently with my current life changes taking place.
As parts of my life were sort of crumbling down as I was trying to hold them up, I just listened to my heart and took my own advice. It doesn't mean that anyone else has to take it, but I wonder about this a lot lately: If I hadn't got the chance to speak with this man that night, and heard his sad advice for success, I might not know what I had and what was really important to me. It might have made it easy for me to just walk away as well and let it all fall apart.
Everyone for themselves.

So even when the advice is not what you want at the time, it doesn't mean that it is worthless.
Again, patience is key.
Like I've always said.

Some of us have it.
Some of us wish.

Even In The Dark.

Pick a point.

Focus on it.

Strive towards it.

Butted Up Against.

Sometimes you walk down the street and everything seems so familiar that you want to scream.
You just look around and think "How can everything be the same when I am so different?"
When life keeps on moving without your knowing it, that can be a semi harsh reality to face.
Because what does that say about all of your accomplishments? All of your forward progress?
To me it says that you are not special. The world doesn't stop and start upon your whim, keep moving.
But oh how we want things to seem special, to carry more meaning than just the moment in time that made your memory special in the first place.

You know, you can't go back though.
No matter what, this is where you is, and where you will remain.
Until time or fate, or some other cosmic force comes along to push you in a different direction.

Sometimes people want something to change so drastically that it requires an almost violent change to take place so that all parties can agree "Well, I guess that was supposed to happen".
But patience is key.
And you don't want to jump the gun on some of these things.
Maybe you need a push, a sign, something to spur you into action.
But the thing is that there is an equal and opposite reaction type thing at play here.
It doesn't have to be violent change.
It can be peaceful change, if you are willing to be patient and aware.

The trick is to be patient.
That is what I believe anyway.
Gandhi had it right.

And maybe it is too late to apply this to a current situation, but moving forward, there is always another chance to do things differently.

Hot Tub Truth Machine.

This is my best friend. No offense to any and all of you that I'd pledged that title to previously, but he played a superior card. 

The Big C card.

I was in the middle of dominating a garage sale at my Mom's house when he called to tell me that he had cancer. Yeah, I know, what a dick.

Right as I was about to milk . 50 cents out of a sweeeeet octogenarian..  I could practically feel those five dimes in my sweaty palm!

You know how hard that is!?

It's like finding a four leaf clover growing out of a baby brontosaurus' head!

Anyways, yeah, so I borrowed money from my Mom and T and I flew out ASAP to see him.

It was of utmost importance.

Also, this was all back in July.

Anyways, y'all ever been to Portland, OR?

Cuz that's where we went, and it was great.

Or was it?

I can't really remember, the whole trip was clouded with emotions and tears and laughing and more tears and then more laughing that produced lots of tears and hugging and then all of a sudden there was a moment of clarity which was accurately captured in the above photo which happened to take place in the middle of the most intense communal bath either of us had ever been in together. 

Then, the next thing I know I am on a plane back to WI and all I have is my memories and thoughts to chew on, which is where I have been stuck at ever since.

Because life moves on.

That is what we talked about in Portland anyways.

I mean, basically you start to die the minute you are born.

That's how life works.

It's nothing personal.

It's perfectly summed up here:

Anyways, so now I am back in NY, he is stillin' PDX (abbreviation for Portland's Airport) and he calls me with news that there is significant shrinkage in his tumors and all the numbers are really low, which is a good thing, and I'm a mixed bag of emotion all of a sudden.

This is truly an emotional roller coaster that we seem to be on.

But I suppose that the same could be said about anything, or any of us.

I mean, nothing really makes us special.

I mean, we make ourselves special or forgettable, it is us that does that to us.

Right?

Like, if Jay-Z fell in a forest and no one was around to give a shit, would he make a sound or sell any merchandise?

So, in closing, I love my friend, and that is all I can do is love him and keep moving forward, laughin' huggin' and cryin'. We all keep growing and moving along and you call each other and visit each other and you think about each other and you just keep each other in each other's hearts.

You just keep hoping for shrinkage.

#SHRINKSTRONG

Tweet it to the heavens.

Thing Of Beauty.

I am staring down a wave.
A slow moving wave that I am not sure if it is really a deep wave or a small wave or what.
The thing is that this wave feels like it has been following me for a while, years in fact.

Possible names for the wave:
-The wave of someone else's neglected responsibility.
-The wave of change.
-The wave of the unknown.

All of these are accurate I think, in their own ways.
I like to think though the wave is a bringer of harmless chaos.
Like for instance I am going to have to move I believe.
Not out of the city, but within, but this will probably mean I will have to give up my studio situation which in turn means I will have to store/sell/leave a lot of stuff behind in this move. This makes me sad, but only temporarily because I believe that I used my time here to the maximum and I have a lot of work to show for it and so now it is time to make that work work for me. That's the idea anyway.
Still, I have moved before, plenty of times.
And a fresh start is always welcome.
But statistically I might as well be in mourning or getting divorced as far as my stress level is concerned.

So that really puts it all into perspective because right now I love everything about my life.
I have to.

I am closing in on having had a very amazing year.

Do you like that picture?
My friend Garth drew that.
He, like my friend Aaron had the very enviable ability to draw over existing images to make them much better. This is truly a gift.
Garth also painted my Black Metal Caveman.
Google it.

love you guys.