Similar Themes Throughout.

Long Legs.

Good Patterns.

Nice Words.

Free Bird.

Count The Candles.

Surround yourself with love,

from whenever and wherever you find it.

Feast on a cake, light as a cloud.

Suck the frosting off of 36 candles

and wind your new watch.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

Sometimes I feel sad.

Then I just stop doing those things.

Because why? How?

In what realm does self pity have any space to 

take up in my life?

I am the luckiest man alive.

And I got the friends, family and cake to prove it.

Believe that.

12 Steps.

Hi. 

I'm writing to tell you something

... From the bathtub!

Or, A bathtub. 

I should be running and jumping and throwing, all things like that. 

Physical things. 

But instead I'm just soaking

Soaking in the bathtub. 

Because that's all I can handle right now.

So what had happened was that this morning 

we are getting ready as per the norm and

 I am asking Burger to do all of these things to help get ready

 and, as per usual Burger is doing none of the things I'm asking. 

So mainly I am just talking to myself. 

Talking myself through the actions as I ask Burger to do them. 

Whatever.

Okay then we are ready. 

He asks to wear my sunglasses to pretend to be Cyclops. 

Okay says I. 

Sure.

Then we are locking the door. 

Then Burger is not paying attention to the steps in front of him. 

Then Burger is falling down the steps. 

By my count it was at least 12. 

But in that moment I only saw his 

little eyes connect with mine as he tumbled. 

I was completely helpless. 

I just watched him tumble. 

Just like a young Chevy Chase. 

Surprise in our eyes

Turned to fear, panic and pain

In under 5 seconds. 

Now it is the sound of wailing. 

But it's tinged w fear more than pain. 

My ears tell me this. 

Are you okay!?

ARE YOU OKAY!!!?

Shhhhh, it's okay... Are you hurt?!

Can you move your arms and legs?!

Of course he could. 

He was standing there, smearing his tears all around his cheeks. 

"My Butts on fire" he says.

I'm trying not to puke. 

I'm actually holding it in. 

The last thing this boy needs is to have his dad barf on his boots. 

So now I'm soaking. 

And I'm trying to get rid of the edge I've carried around all day. 

I'm hoping for an edgeless evening.

It's still too early to tell if I'm going to  barf though.

Middle of the Road.

What is up you guys?

I mean, what is up with you guys?

I wonder, I don't worry...

But I wonder.

It is a very hot, still heat here in the boat.

Just try not to breathe too much and you'll be fine.

 If you feel the need to sweat, that is okay.

In the meantime.

For now.

I got a sunburn.

This, coupled with my recent seasonal allergies has me worried about the future.

Big surprise, right?

But for real, if the sun is burning a Navajo, that is bad news.

It might be there is no more ozone layer.

It might be that the sun is just targeting the Anglo part of me.

But that doesn't explain my allergies.

Those are still a mystery.

Like Bigfoot.

You know I aim for symmetry and shape, right?

I like to build a pattern.

Jim, you know that guy?

He likes patterns.

He gets it.

Oh Jim, I think of him constantly.

I was driving the truck yesterday

and I started to laugh so hard about 

a thing he said... ready?

I said that eating a bagel was the equivalent of eating a loaf of bread.

Then he says "I just ate a loaf of bagels. Should I be worried?"

I had to pull over and laugh the tears away.

A real gem that guy is.

Good night.

Playing Karate in the Rain.

This is Green Arrow and Aquaman.

More accurately it is a Leprechaun and a Mermaid with the legs of some Ninja Turtles.

Also Green Arrow's arrow is a ski pole.

This is Burger looking of to the Moon for more ingenious Lego inspiration.

The boy doesn't stop until I tag him with a tranquilizer dart.

The Real Hero.

Something I love lately,
besides lots of things,
is Burger's infatuation
with Super Heroes.

I was parked in front of
the Balloon Saloon
and I saw this wire crate.

So I jumped out.
Rearranged.

No one puts baby in the corner.

Good Job Dad.

"Good job Dad!"

 

That's the name of the sitcom that will be based loosely around my life as told through the eyes of my son as a story he is telling his own son/child/children who happen(s) to be adopted/found and/or...

AN EXTRA TERRESTRIAL!!

Maybe not exactly like that, but you can already tell that it's going to be a winner with a name like #GJD... Which is what the youth will refer to it to when they are hacking brains or whatever they do in the near, grim future.

Anyways, that's what Burger yelled to me.

What I was doing was backing the truck I drive into the warehouse just like I always do for my job only this time Burger got to watch me do this on account of he just happened to be in the area.
In the area, chilling out.
Like all the kids do in Brooklyn.

I was very excited to provide this demonstration as entertainment because I know how much he loves trucks and shit like that even though he'd probably tell you all he likes now is Batman.

And it won't be forever that he'll be impressed by his truck driving dad.
Some day he may resent his truck driving dad and that will be a sad day indeed.

"I can't go out because my fuckin' truck driving dad said I have to learn my numbers... UGH I hate living on mars!"

It's okay, I tell myself I am ready for a day when this may happen.
He will go through a period where he doesn't care about all the sacrifices I made, all the missed soccer games, school plays and trick-or-treats. Not to mention all the long hours spent in the driving simulator practicing to be the first Truck Driver on the great red planet of Mars!!!

Essentially living the dream Ray Bradbury had the courage to dream oh so long ago.

I suppose that's why it was so important that I wow him with my truck driving prowess now.

Keep him in awe for as long as possible.

I love you guys.

Don't Worry.

 I mean, I get it.

I understand how one could question one's existence.

On this planet.

In this moment.

... I get it.

The thing is that when you lay back and let the 

sun warm your eyelids nothing seems like it matters.

And in the best possible way.

It is so easy to question 

why things are the way that they are

or whom the things are that they are with.

But when all is said and done

I truly believe that Nature will 

wipe us all away and the things

that we thought mattered most

will be nothing but fossils 

for future species to marvel at.

Call me crazy.

But hug 'em if you got 'em

I love you guys.

Le Swamp.

Thinking about turning my head, looking over my shoulder.

I hear some clicks, some breaths.

I think I am being watched.

Stay the course though.

Keep focused.

Smile.

Today was wet, cold, warm and then cold again.

Repeat, over and over until it is time to call it a day.

Done early, so I race to grab my son.

I mean to say that I want to run into the school, pick him up and squeeze him.

It is the closest thing to an addiction I have in my life.

Hugging and kissing my boy.

But life has different plans for me.

Instead of hugs I get the long face.

He isn't ready to leave.

I can't compete with Horton.

So we spend the next few hours wrestling with our emotions.

Trying to make the gears fit again.

To pick up where we left off.

It's funny and sad because it is times like this that I think he will remember.

The times we didn't get along, or connect properly...

But that is just my paranoia, stupid paranoia.

Tonight, before he fell asleep, he says to me

"I love you Dad. I'm sorry we were fighting"

I say

"Buddy, we weren't fighting. We were just figuring things out."

 Because that is the truth.

 

Why Say It Again?

This is how it goes, no matter how many times 

I explain what I am doing Burger always 

wants me to be doing something else.

For a good example, this evening I was making dinner and he said he wanted Tuna Fish. I had already told him I was not making that for dinner. 

I had told him this many times. 

I didn't want to tell him up front what I was making because I find it is easier to feed him when I can spring the meal on him and he has as little time to react as possible. 

So we get home and go through the getting home routine of hanging up our coats and getting into our pajamas. 

I start to make our meal. 

The meal is a small piece of chicken with a lot of vegetables and maybe some noodles. 

Also there will be a glass of Apple Cider.

So as I am prepping the roasting pan, Burger comes into the kitchen and asks if his Tuna Fish is ready yet and I remind him how I already told him that we wouldn't be having that for dinner and then he looks at what I am making instead and he says:

"Oh I see! You're making me vegetables that I don't want to eat".

The thing is that he says it so mater of factly.

He is okay with what I am doing, but he is also being honest.

And here I was worrying that I didn't know what I was doing raising a child.

Shows what I know.

I love you guys.

 

Four Sure.

crop circles - dugan nichols from Dudes on Vimeo.

This is my friend Dugan.
He is a shredder.
I gave him his first skateboard, it was a Sal Barbier deck, but I am not totally sure on that one.
Still, I gave it to him.
And this is what he turned into.

Crazy man.

He is part of this crew of dudes, and honestly, they are amazing.
I can only dream...
Watching them breaks my heart.
Check it out:

FOUR SURE from Dave Kiehl on Vimeo.


RIGHT!?
What the fuck is that all about?!
It is so impressive.
Not just the skating, but that they actually made that video.
Good for them.
I love them.

2nd Quarter Surge.

Okay, you got it?

-Uh, yeah.

You sure?

-I think so.

Okay... Hold it okay?

-Heh heh, I don't know...

Kick your legs apart.

No, like this...

*Kick*

Balance it okay?

-Okay, what's balance mean?

We'll talk about it later, just hold the log

-No, this isn't a log, it's a pole.

Alright, hold the pole

-I don't think I got it.

You're good, you're good... Just hold it okay?

-Okay, I think so.

Alright I'm going to run over there and take the picture, n'Kay?

-Okay.

Ready? 

-Yeah.

1,2...

-3!!

A Perfect Day.

Cloudy, Windy and Cold all day.

Then, Pow! Beautiful break in the clouds and the angels were singing.

The light poured down and beautifully lit someone's feet.

Not my feet, but someone's feet.

And then I cooked dinner for myself and some of Burger's buddies.

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

ANYTHING!

But that's not really true now is it?

There are some things that would be nice right about now.

But they are all things that add up...

What I mean is that individually, taken piecemeal

That shit don't mean fuck to me.

G'night Brah.

The Blues.

There's something about those songs, they depress me.

When I was little I took a trip to the reservation and I got to watch that movie the Jerk, you know that one? It was the only movie they had at the place I was staying, so naturally I committed it to memory.

I have no regrets. 

I even bought that movie on the days after Burger was born because you can't start them early enough as far as comic genius is concerned.

I read that in a parenting book.

One directed at New Dads.

New Dad's that get it, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, there is some Blues on the Radio right now.

It is pretty good stuff, I mean, I am no expert, but I like what I like.

I have an idea, I have a lot of ideas.

I am what is called an "ideas man".

So I got a few of those kicking around in my brain.

Just, you know, gaining steam.

I got a head full of steam.

Steamy Head, it's a medical term that you can Google if you have a minute.

But not at work because it's probably NSFW.

At least, it sounds like it might be NSFW.

You guys got any friends?

What do you do when you think you lost one?

How do you deal with that loss I mean?

Well, let me know, and also since you're bragging about 

all these friends you got, why don't you tell them about

how hilarious I can be once in a while?

Thanks.

lvomatewh

On Meditation.

Breathing in:

Peace, Love, Happiness and Joy.

Breathing out:

Negativity, Sadness, Pain and Anger.

I skimmed a pamphlet once about Meditation and I seem to remember something about the breathing exercises that it recommended. 

Finding mantras and all that to help keep your focus on your breath

Focusing on your breath helps.

So anyways, there I was, giving it a go.

Breathing in.

Breathing out.

And then, it was like a wave, a small wave rolling in over a dirty beach.

The wave wasn't pure, it had bits of garbage and silt in it, but it was cleaner than the beach.

The beach was really dirty.

Like the beaches in the gulf.

You know the ones.

The ones that BP Ruined?

Those.

So here I am, sweating in the sun, breathing in and out, and with each breath in here comes the fresh water washing in and with each breath out there goes that water washing bits of nastiness from that beach.

Over and over, for ten minutes.

Ten minutes is a very long time to try and focus on nothing and/or breathing.

You don't think so? 

Try it.

This was all a very big deal for me because until this moment I had never actually been able to turn off my brain like I was doing. Not a total switch off, but, enough of one to be able to tell that I had just accomplished something... new, different.

And then just like that it was over and I opened my eyes and I tried hard not to think about it.

I just wanted to appreciate it for whatever it was.

And I looked at my painting, and I got to work.

I don't know if the words made a difference, but they helped form the image of the clean wave and the dirty beach.

And having a mental image is a Life Tool that helps me out time and again.

And having a Life Tool is just as important as having any other kind of Tool.

Anyways, I hope to eventually get to the point where there are no words.

Kind of like this:

Maybe without the intense music though...

Until then, I will take whatever I can get to get back to that beach.

I got some serious shit to clean up out there.

Love you guys.

Ima Gone Get Choo.

Playing trucks.
Go around the circle over and over again without actually paying attention to who is in front or in back because mainly it is just an excuse to have some heart to heart with the Burger and talk about what is on his mind.
Conversation is what it is all about right now.

Gimme an A!

Things just pop into your life sometimes and you don't even know where they came from or for how long they will stick around.
That is the story of the hat I strapped onto my son, pictured above.
I had that hat for a couple years before I ever met T.
I honestly have no idea how it has stayed with me all these years, or WHY it has stayed with me.
It has no special box that I keep it in.
There is no mannequin head that proudly displays it.
I just open a closet door and there it is.
It is mildly cool outside, so I put it on the Burger.
Ta-DAH!

But I think about that, how we carry all these things through our lives, and they serve a purpose at some point and we rarely get to decide what that purpose will be. Often it seems that the objects decide.
Use me.....NOW!

It was just a silly prop hat that I got at some point.

Anyways, Burger is 3 now.

The strangest memory that I have about this whole thing being a parent is a conversation I had with in the Baby Truck with Jr.
We were driving back from somewhere, I guess it must have been upstate somewhere, and I already knew that T was pregnant and it was quiet, and I just sort of blurted it out "T is pregnant, I'm going to be a Father."

That was more than three years ago.
And all I wanted at the time was to be where I am right now.
And here I am.
Here we all are.

There in spirit.

Me and this nerd been together so long, I forgot what it was like to be the dumbass I was before I met her!
May we all say a silent prayer, or light a candle... silently, send positive energy and good thoughts, anything you can spare to the efforts underway to cap off the catastrophic oil explosion in the gulf.
I know it is something like, 18 days too late, but you know how the saying goes
"You can't build a 4 story, 100 ton cement and steel dome in under 15 days."
Whoever came up with that saying, I bet they are wishing they put that on a bumper sticker or a T shirt or something.

I hope you are well, I been sick as hell, but I am getting better.
So please, send your prayers to the gushing oil well a mile beneath the surface of the ocean and not to the gushing well of mucus and tears pouring forth from my face.

good night!
lovmeathtew

The Divide.

I got to go.

The ship is docked and ready to disembark on it's journey.
lovematthew