Will Work For Stars.

I think it is entirely reasonable to expect 

to be able to do one push-up for each year I've been alive. 

This seems like a workable goal. 

I also think that it is entirely reasonable to add a few extras 

for good luck and longevity. 

This is called superstition, but my pecs ain't complaining!

They actually are though 

on account of all the push-ups I've been using them for. 

But it's almost bikini season according to the magazines, and I need to be prepared. 

What do you work for?

What are the things?

Stars? Money? Time?

For me it's a little bit of all of the above. 

For me it's for other people. 

But that's not entirely true,  just sometimes it feels like that. 

But then, not right now, right?

With a cold beer and a hot bath 

and a storm rolling past 

kicking up wind outside.

This is for me. 

And for you. 

We are all for each other and let's leave it at that. 

Maybe you're lucky like me, and you get to spend some quality time in your brain for a few hours ...every other Saturday. 

Maybe that's all it takes sometimes because you appreciate the luck you have. 

The luck of the ability to tap into and explore a creative vein running through the universe. 

The luck of beautiful children to raise and teach and wrestle and love. 

The luck of an understanding partner that stands with you to appreciate the new day. 

The luck of a supportive network of family and friends that give you goals to aim for 

and keep you grounded and focused. 

There is a lot in this world, and we get a tiniest fraction of it if we are lucky in our lives. 

Run Away.

My family and I will be returning to Wisconsin this summer for a little while.
It is like being in the eye of the perfect storm.
The hectic city life and the pressure of school and family life will be reduced to mainly just the family life part which is alright by me.

I love Wisconsin, it is what made me who I was before I moved away.

I am mainly a Lakeshore type of person though, I didn't spend a lot of time inland.
That Lake has a hold on my soul.

I would rather see humankind wither and die away before I watch humankind destroy that Lake.
I was thinking in the tub this evening that we seem to be the only species on the planet that is actively trying to destroy it. Everything else seems like it is just trying to survive our presence.

Anyways I always lived within 10 miles of that lake.
It was a gift, and this summer I get to let Burger take it all in, up and down the lake all over.
I can't wait.
None of us can.
We have all earned a little time away.

You must treat yourself whenever and however possible.

State of Affairs.

Today I was arguing with Burger.
I mean like, that's what we did for the day's activities.

When he is yelling at me to do something, making one of his many demands I look at him in the eyes and see myself reflected back at me.
So I have no one to blame but myself.
It's nothing personal.

He's a product of his environment.
Not society.

I often catch myself reacting to him like he is my little brother and not my son.
So I end up engaging him in his silly "provocations".
A typical morning starts thusly...

It is 7 am, I am pouring us each a bowl of cereal and he starts in with a question like "What's a goat?" and it pretty much devolves from there. The train tracks I assemble are not round enough, or the Lego tower is not tall enough.
I assume he sees potential in me or else he would have moved on by now.
But he sticks with me and every day has some new way of reminding me that I need to just try that much harder, I have to grow that much more to keep up with him.

The other day I went to get him out of bed, and it was still very dark and he couldn't tell who was in his room with him so he is going "who is that, who is that?" and I put my face down in front of his and he is touching my face and rubbing the stubble on my chin and then he goes " is that you dad?"
I like this because he is still not positive that it is me.
Even with the stubble he is still leaving the door open to the possibility that it's Mamma-T.

It's little things like that that bring me back down off the edge and give me some perspective.
I'm in the good shit here.

Last Man Standing.

Gimme an A!

Things just pop into your life sometimes and you don't even know where they came from or for how long they will stick around.
That is the story of the hat I strapped onto my son, pictured above.
I had that hat for a couple years before I ever met T.
I honestly have no idea how it has stayed with me all these years, or WHY it has stayed with me.
It has no special box that I keep it in.
There is no mannequin head that proudly displays it.
I just open a closet door and there it is.
It is mildly cool outside, so I put it on the Burger.
Ta-DAH!

But I think about that, how we carry all these things through our lives, and they serve a purpose at some point and we rarely get to decide what that purpose will be. Often it seems that the objects decide.
Use me.....NOW!

It was just a silly prop hat that I got at some point.

Anyways, Burger is 3 now.

The strangest memory that I have about this whole thing being a parent is a conversation I had with in the Baby Truck with Jr.
We were driving back from somewhere, I guess it must have been upstate somewhere, and I already knew that T was pregnant and it was quiet, and I just sort of blurted it out "T is pregnant, I'm going to be a Father."

That was more than three years ago.
And all I wanted at the time was to be where I am right now.
And here I am.
Here we all are.

Wife Weights.

I am waiting for The Burger to wake up from a nap that I just talked him back into about 20 minutes ago.
Damn! I should have just grabbed him then.
I think we will take the train to the city for some hard earned bananas and also one of those bottle openers that you screw onto the wall so you can open your bottled beverages much easier, and with flare.

Dang, T is messed up! She is just lying there, like a lump.
I told her though that it is a good thing that she is so healthy to begin with because that will probably work in her favor as far as healing goes. But still, it is not easy to be recovering.
I should know.
I did it before.

This is the first time since The Boy was born that I have had the responsible of taking care of my Huz.
I just want her to be comfortable.
She is going to miss her study dates, and this worries her, but it is much more imperative that she heal right the first time now than to drag it out over weeks or months.
So to ensure that she doesn't try to sneak out while I am in the city, I laid an extra blanket on top of her to weigh her down.
It is a blessing that she is so weak right now, other wise I don't know what I would have done.

Help me help you.

The above photo was taken the last time I had a break from my "family".
Twas a beautiful day, sunny and hot.
I treated myself to a little treat, and it was delicious.

I had a similar little break planned for myself this afternoon, after work, but then my "family" went and F'ed it all up.
My wife is constantly bombarding me with new ideas and views on life.
My son is constantly bombarding me with fists and easily chucked objects.

Now, instead of telling all about whatever dumb thing I had planned, I have to go take care of some "familial" obligations.

The Rug From Under Your Feet.

Blink and you end up on the floor, on your ass.
Everyone laughing at you and walking right by.
And when you finally pull yourself up and make your way to the bathroom
You see the word "SUCKER" written on your face.

Beyond Infinity.

So this is a slideshow of work that I am submitting for a grant review.
I got nominated for a grant is what I am trying to tell you, and it is a big deal for me.
I won't know until September, but in the mean time I am trying to spread the word around.

I got both my ears to the ground.
I got my fingers on the pulse.
I am trying to find the pulse!!!

Dear Gob someone direct me to the pulse!!

I am taking it one day at a time, and this weekend I took photos of all the work.
I actually have photographed these same pieces probably 5 or 6 different times, and each time there was some new obstacle I was not accounting for that would send me into a tailspin of worry and head slapping.
I used the word idiot many times.

It was too light, it was too cold, we painted the back wall and the new photos didn't match the old photos, upstairs and downstairs... everywheres.

But then it all came together beautifully yesterday morning and I have my lovely family to thank for leaving me alone to curse and sweat my way through this mess.

And now it is done.
I will be sure to share the link when the submissions go live on the website.
I feel like this is all pretty strong, cohesive and beautiful, but that's just me.
So wish me luck.

lovamtthew

Slow Deflation.

There are a lot of parallels between having a child and having a dog.
For example sometimes I just got to take this guy out for a run.
Like the other day I took him for a run and he ran 0.9 miles!
I swear! I just looked it up on the map!
He just ran and ran.
When he saw that I was not running with him he would scream at me to RUN!
Come on! He would yell.
All the way to the grocery store, which was convenient.

Actually there are many things that new people and animals have in common.
It is my main joy and wonder to have one to teach me just how far removed I am from the animal kingdom.
It is supposed to be my job to teach him to be less like a wild thing and more civilized like me but I often realize that it is HE that is teaching ME!

I have discovered that if I try to see things the way that The Boy sees them, it is like I am getting a chance to see it all over again, as if I have sent my eyeballs and brain in a time machine back and forth!
And what I realized is that there are many things that are easily dealt with when handle them as if it were the first time all over again.

The roles are reversed is what I am trying to tell you here.
It all came together at a perfect time for me.
I was loving most of my new responsibles of family and work, but at the same time I was seeing how quickly and easily one could get sick of running in that circle.
That circle of life.

Work your way to the middle, and then work your way down from there.
Try and find a happy medium!
Eventually I think you end up somewhere completely off the radar and from there you are pretty much set.
Welcome to freedom!!

If all goes to plan, then that is where The Boy, T-Dubs and I will be in about three years.
In a raft heading down river, getting in adventures and cracking each other up.
lvomathew

Under the Surface.

Look at my genius idea!
I thought of a word the other day that I don't believe exists.
Indigenius.
This is when an indigenous person has a genius idea.
Like when the first ships made contact with the new world and all those native people took all them blankets home in exchange for their land and livelihood.
Indigenius!
I thought of it as I was riding my bike having just such an idea, and then I got so excited over my new word that I forgot the idea that sparked the word's creation in the first place.
Later I decided that it was the creation of the word that was indigenius and I left it at that.

Mama T has been having a lot of genius ideas lately, especially in helping me in my battle against the mouse.
I am so lucky to have her around.
Always.

Well, I had a pretty nice weekend.
I got some hairs cut, but nothing drastic.
And I leveled off some of my weapons training.
Sometimes it is that one little kill that makes all the difference.
I also worked on an artist statement, and I think I decided I need to take new photos of all my work, so's to make it all uniform and matching.
Thoughts on this?

I hope all is well, and please, take care.
lvomatthew

As Quietly As Possibly.

So I been staying home with the BUrger on Mondays and Tuesdays because I thought I was some kind of genius.
Turns out I AM some kind of genius.
The moronic kind of genius, of elephantine proportions.
I thought it made sense to stay home and watch him instead of paying someone to watch him.
But the thing is that we still paid someone to watch him for the other two days that he needed wrangling and guidance.
It just occurred to me last night as I was thinking about nothing in particular.

Boy do I feel stupid.
Although I comfort myself by giving myself credit for figuring it out eventually.
Which is what life is all about right?
I tell Mamma T that when she is laying on the floor hyperventilating about school.
"You are there to learn" I tell her.
"Learning is important, it is the main tool of life."

So anyways, that is what I been up to.
Figuring things out slowly and surely.

T gave me a page from a book to read.
It was by Tennessee Williams and it was about how he failed and failed.
Then he failed some more.
Then he succeeded in a huge way and instantly was swept away from the world of failure and attempts.
And he got so sad about it.

To try! THAT is what we are here for. It makes us most happy and fulfilled by every tiny little success.
You can run around in circles in your brain thinking about "if only I had this or that..." .
But to wake up every day with the chance at pulling yourself just a tad bit higher out of the hole that you live in, THAT is what makes life worth living.
My painter friend Brad is constantly telling me how happy I am.
I don't know if he knows that for sure or if he is just off handedly saying it because he remembers being where I am at right now, but he tells me all the time "You are so happy right now, once you get to where I am, it is all down hill".
That is not a direct quote, but it is pretty close.
And I believe him, I believe Tennessee.

Remember the cabin in my head?
That is where I am always headed.
I get spun around a lot.
And I have to take breaks.
Heaving T over my shoulder, or chasing the Burger into the thicket.
Always appreciatively of course.
But we are on track, we are on the path.
I know this because I have faith, and also all of the people that are older than me tell me so.
And it is so exciting to struggle towards a common goal.

Well, that is all I got for now.
I hope you are well and able appreciate the life you have.
lovmatthew

Time to move is now.

I am racing home on my bike.
Carefully racing, remaining alert and having a safe day.
I follow a path in my mind, one I know by heart.
Watch for cars, mind the turns, fly down the straightaways.
Listening for loose gravel popping under my tires.
Racing.
Carefully racing.
Focused on the road.
Never minding the scenery.
Racing home to my family.
The family I made from scratch.
My whole life is built on top of a quaking pile of luck that I have to shore up constantly.
Like a pyramid on top of an upside down pyramid.
Slapping mud into the cracks.
Tying down flaps and nailing flats to beams.

Green Raisins.

Am I in over my head?
I thought I was not.
But lately I have felt that I am.
Lately as in, two days ago.
I made the mistake of mentioning it to Mama T.
Now it is at the forefront of our conversations.
Our imaginary conversations.
We don't actually speak, we don't have to.
It is one of the benefits of a long term monogamous relationship.
We just stare and blink.
We make our feelings felt.
Felt in the air.
I guess I would say that at our worst of times, T opens her mouth to complain.
She would say I open my mouth to yell.
Silence, complain, yell.
Three options.

Of course, I am just kidding.
There is no silence.

Again, I am just kidding.

I love my family.
I only want to do right by them.
I am old fashioned like that.

Who cares about me, what about you?
You!?
What are you up to?
Do you have faith? If so, in what?
How is your family?
How are your friends?
I made friends here in Brooklyn.
It was a slow process, but it has been worthwhile.

Speaking of work, right now I am especially frustrated with my job.
Normally it is great.
But there is always one person that needs to fuck it up.
For some reason.
It seems to be human nature.
That one person seems to change regularly, it is a brilliant offense.

I am going to go out now to eat some delicious Thai food.
Off to Thailand!!!

lovamtweh

You guys, I love you.

I was looking through all the photos I have posted on the blog.
Man, it is like a trip down a lane of memories.
A trip that makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time.

I fed the boyzo, he ate a bunch of stuff.
Like his Mother, you have to keep an eye on him or else he will just eat whatever is within
his ever growing reach.
So I don't know what he ate while I was not looking, but I can only hope it comes out the other end.
Some day.

You guys, I don't know why it is that getting sick is such a stressful thing for me.
When I can feel it coming on, and I don't know to try and fight it or just let it wash over me.
I immediately think of the days I might miss of work.
That is the main stress point.

But what can you do?
Rest? Pray? "Medicine"?
I am at a loss.

I just try to keep on keeping on.
Such is life.

I am going to go on a date tomorrow.
I can not wait.
I can only hope.

lovamwhetr