Step Into My Office.

This morning I had to take Burger with me to work.
It was Presidents day, so I kind of had the day off.

Kind of.

But I had to go in for some meetings and such.
And so we hopped on the bike and took off for the meetings.
It was so strange because I had this weird dejavu from the stand point of Burger.
I remember being him, slightly older, surrounded by the adults that my Mom
worked with when I would accompany her in similar situations
of not having any choice but to bring her son to work with her.

It all came crashing back on me as I tried in vain to ignore
his whispers and demands for food I had not packed.

Then it was all over and it was fine.
Before I knew it we were back on the bike and free for the day.
It was wonderful.

It really gave me somethings to think about though.
Like how I am prepared, and always have been, to figure things out
and make things work.

I learned that by watching my Mom.

Happy early Mother's day.

Away Day.

I completely busted the cycle the other day.
I asked a woman on the train if I could take a picture of her shoes.
It was the scariest thing I ever did.
And I survived to tell the tale!

Then for the rest of the evening I felt slightly drugged and odd.
Like I couldn't get over how I did this thing that I never did before and had always wanted to do and then I did it and I felt crazy as hell.

What I have learned from this is that it is important to do things that frighten you.
Even if it is something as simple as asking permission to photograph someone's shoes.
Afterwards it is almost completely worth it.

Unless you went toe to toe with an angry Chimp.

State of Affairs.

Today I was arguing with Burger.
I mean like, that's what we did for the day's activities.

When he is yelling at me to do something, making one of his many demands I look at him in the eyes and see myself reflected back at me.
So I have no one to blame but myself.
It's nothing personal.

He's a product of his environment.
Not society.

I often catch myself reacting to him like he is my little brother and not my son.
So I end up engaging him in his silly "provocations".
A typical morning starts thusly...

It is 7 am, I am pouring us each a bowl of cereal and he starts in with a question like "What's a goat?" and it pretty much devolves from there. The train tracks I assemble are not round enough, or the Lego tower is not tall enough.
I assume he sees potential in me or else he would have moved on by now.
But he sticks with me and every day has some new way of reminding me that I need to just try that much harder, I have to grow that much more to keep up with him.

The other day I went to get him out of bed, and it was still very dark and he couldn't tell who was in his room with him so he is going "who is that, who is that?" and I put my face down in front of his and he is touching my face and rubbing the stubble on my chin and then he goes " is that you dad?"
I like this because he is still not positive that it is me.
Even with the stubble he is still leaving the door open to the possibility that it's Mamma-T.

It's little things like that that bring me back down off the edge and give me some perspective.
I'm in the good shit here.

Pushing The Boulder.

It is not hard for me to treat myself to good things.
I have no problems buying myself a donut, or taking a hot bath.
These are things that are most certainly treats.
I am lucky to have these luxuries.
When you stop seeing things as luxuries and start to feel like you deserve...
Then you are in trouble.

It is a balancing act.
You don't want to dip too far either way.
It is very easy to spoil the good, simple things.
You don't want to do that.

What could be sadder then lifting a freshly baked donut to your mouth only to taste nothing?
To FEEL no joy in the act of dipping your feet into a tub of hot water?

You have to reward yourself is what I am trying to say.
If you leave it up to other people, you will be left hungry, dry and cold while they eat in the tub.

Crumbs falling into the water and getting stuck and matted into their chest hairs.
Gross!