Baby Rock Monster.

Abstraction, abstraction, abstraction. 

I don't know what it means exactly. 

Maybe I should look it up. 

Or maybe not. 

Maybe I know more than I think I do. 

It's happened before. 

I surprise myself

With what I know. 

I think of abstraction as a way to view the world. 

You got your squares, and they see the world a certain way. 

The way they want it to be and how they want us to see it. 

Then you break it apart and put it back together and... 

Boom! 

Abstraction!!

Oooh, that pisses off the squares something fierce. 

Until it's a painting they can brag about to their pals. 

Then it's not so bad for them. 

Abstraction I mean. 

But again, who even knows 

what that word means anymore?

Not me.

I didn't go to school. 

And when I did, I didn't pay attention. 

Obviously. 

If you just focus for a little while on what's going on, 

you're already one step ahead of most of them. 

This new baby, he really does something to me. 

With the Burger I was so concerned about everything, 

because it's easy to get wrapped up in something 

when it's your first time doing something. 

But the second time around, well it's easier. 

The noise and the movements, the far away stares. 

It's all a familiar role for me, which I am told is a saving grace. 

I tell myself that. 

On a daily basis. 

I took a blink and Burger is 6!!

I took a blink and Killroy is 2 weeks!!

It's only a matter of time and he's walking and wrestling and chasing me down. 

It's not so much a second chance, 

because for some reason that sounds like I missed something the first time around. 

No, it's just another opportunity, 

with a cautious reminder to take things slow

 and remember that there is this now,

 this breath, 

this night walk, 

this far away stare, 

this hand holding yours while you move 

willingly into the unknown with a smile on your face 

and the content snores of those you love, 

lulling you into tomorrow. 

Good night. 

Lovematthew

Wake.

The paint still works.

12 Steps.

Hi. 

I'm writing to tell you something

... From the bathtub!

Or, A bathtub. 

I should be running and jumping and throwing, all things like that. 

Physical things. 

But instead I'm just soaking

Soaking in the bathtub. 

Because that's all I can handle right now.

So what had happened was that this morning 

we are getting ready as per the norm and

 I am asking Burger to do all of these things to help get ready

 and, as per usual Burger is doing none of the things I'm asking. 

So mainly I am just talking to myself. 

Talking myself through the actions as I ask Burger to do them. 

Whatever.

Okay then we are ready. 

He asks to wear my sunglasses to pretend to be Cyclops. 

Okay says I. 

Sure.

Then we are locking the door. 

Then Burger is not paying attention to the steps in front of him. 

Then Burger is falling down the steps. 

By my count it was at least 12. 

But in that moment I only saw his 

little eyes connect with mine as he tumbled. 

I was completely helpless. 

I just watched him tumble. 

Just like a young Chevy Chase. 

Surprise in our eyes

Turned to fear, panic and pain

In under 5 seconds. 

Now it is the sound of wailing. 

But it's tinged w fear more than pain. 

My ears tell me this. 

Are you okay!?

ARE YOU OKAY!!!?

Shhhhh, it's okay... Are you hurt?!

Can you move your arms and legs?!

Of course he could. 

He was standing there, smearing his tears all around his cheeks. 

"My Butts on fire" he says.

I'm trying not to puke. 

I'm actually holding it in. 

The last thing this boy needs is to have his dad barf on his boots. 

So now I'm soaking. 

And I'm trying to get rid of the edge I've carried around all day. 

I'm hoping for an edgeless evening.

It's still too early to tell if I'm going to  barf though.

The Never Ending Make Believe.

Which Lego guy are you? Because I am the Green Ninja.

You should be the Red Ninja, okay?

...OKAY!?

Say "Come on Green Ninja! The evil snakes are coming!!"

PSHHHHH PPPSHHHH!! 

(Canon noises)

Whoah! What was that?! 

Do you know what that was? That was Blob in that green car!

Which Avenger guy are you now?

Can I be Hawkeye? 

Please?

Can I be Hawkeye please?

I'm Hawkeye, okay? Okay?

Okay, I'm Hawkeye, which Avenger guy are you?

You can be Hulk.

Okay?

I mean I'm Batman instead, okay?

Let's play Justice League instead, okay?

I'm Batman so which Justice League Super Hero are you?

You can be Green Lantern, okay?

"Ha-Ha-Ha"

Whoah! What was that?! Did you hear that?

It sounded like the Joker!

COME ON GREEN LANTERN! LETS GO GET THE JOKER!!

-End scene.

Getting ready for school in the morning.

Heading to the grocery store.

Waiting in life's various lines.

This is basically every single waking moment of our time together.

Most of the time I am into it. I mean, I try to be into it as much as possible.

But holy F'ing S it is exhausting sometimes.

Like, I don't always want to be a superhero on a mission.

Most of the time?

Sure, why not?

I got nothing better to do.

But like, first thing in the morning? 

I can't always do it.

Sorry, no offense.

So when he presses me for an answer

I say "I'm the breakfast cook at the Hall of Justice" 

and then he eyes me suspiciously as he stuffs cereal in his mouth.

Not too shabby for 6 in the morning.

Starting Over.

I have been asking Google for answers lately.

Or at least, asking for direction.

Might as well.

It is so pretty here right now.

After the heat melted away all hope for the future

the clouds set in and cooled everything off.

Now it is just a beautiful breeze

and a knockout sunset.

You know how sometimes you are digging through the bucket of Lego, looking for that one tiny piece to complete your model and you are raking through the bricks over and over, again and again and then just as you are about to take the whole thing and smash it to pieces you

find that it has been right there in front of you, connected to the model you are trying to build?

Isn't that just like life?

I mean, really.

A thing about life is that it is special and fleeting.

And depending on where you stand and look at it, it's either something 

you want to let pass through you and experience or it is something that you want

to gather up in your greedy fists and keep, unchanged, forever.

There is something to be said for either way.

Not to mention all the other ways to look at it.

...Anyways.

My friends passed through on their way from Long Island back to Michigan.

They gave me an A+ and left me with two special beers.

So that was nice.

I love those guys.

I love you.

 

Step Into My Office.

This morning I had to take Burger with me to work.
It was Presidents day, so I kind of had the day off.

Kind of.

But I had to go in for some meetings and such.
And so we hopped on the bike and took off for the meetings.
It was so strange because I had this weird dejavu from the stand point of Burger.
I remember being him, slightly older, surrounded by the adults that my Mom
worked with when I would accompany her in similar situations
of not having any choice but to bring her son to work with her.

It all came crashing back on me as I tried in vain to ignore
his whispers and demands for food I had not packed.

Then it was all over and it was fine.
Before I knew it we were back on the bike and free for the day.
It was wonderful.

It really gave me somethings to think about though.
Like how I am prepared, and always have been, to figure things out
and make things work.

I learned that by watching my Mom.

Happy early Mother's day.

The Meantime.

Today Burger and I were walking up the stairs, this was after a back and forth that resulted in me saying "no" to something, I can't even remember what it was I'd said "no" to because there were so many questions that, unfortunately, had "no" answers that I'd lost track of what he was even asking.
This made me kind of sad.
Then he says he's upset.
I figure it has something to do with our conversation.
He says no, it's because he's going to have a bad dream tonight.
I say "No, you won't. I already checked and you're going to have only good dreams tonight."
And finally, FINALLY he just says "Oh, okay."

That was the best "No" answer I've ever given.
Ever.

The Fastest Goose In The World.

What is there to say about being a Dad?

Wait! I mean a "Present Father".

???

That is a term I heard recently.

It made me happy and sad at the same time.

Like watching a clown get hit by a car and then they get up because they're alright.

Like that kind of feeling.

It made me happy, because that is apparently what kind of Dad I am.

According to the Person at the park with whom I was attempting to not speak with.

I'm just like, whatever, I do what I do how I do for the good of the Burger.

I'd had 30 years to imagine what kind of Dad I wanted to be.

It's called a head start.

And that dude is me now.

Anyways, back to that term, it made me sad because I feel like it makes Dad's before "us" sound like they didn't give a shit about having kids or something, and I can't accept that as truth.

Like there were enough Bad Dads going around making a bad name for the rest of the Dads that all of a sudden when there are Dads that appear to enjoy being Dads, that is something to notice!?

There are so many factors that go into making a generation what that generation is.

And with each generation, there are obviously new ways of thinking about or handling those factors.

So we do things differently than those before us, and those ahead of us.

That's life, Bro.

This term also makes me kind of cringe because it just puts this identifying time stamp on an aspect of my life that I didn't ask for nor was I consulted about. 

But I suppose that stuff is out of my control anyways.

Better to just focus on the task at hand.

Like being a parent, which is what I am.

Above everything else in my life, that is my main identifier. 

It feels like, for now, it has to be.

Despite any advice I may have received on the subject in the past.

So that is how that is.

Let Me Ask You Something?

Today was strange and beautiful.

Cold, Sunny, Bright and Long.

I made coffee early and I walked to the store with my mug.

Just took my mug and my time getting there.

Got some onions and chicken.

Went home, filled the crockpot.

I was trying very hard not to be distracted by the smell I would come home to.

But it was harder than I thought.

I could smell it all day, it was an exciting smell.

I told Burger early on, I said:

You better be ready to smell something delicious!

We stopped off in Bushwick on our way home.

I miss it over there, but Greenpoint is nice also.

And who really gives a shit right now?

You are where you are.

But there is a bar over there that has Vegan Empanadas and NFL Ticket.

It was fun! We got our own room to watch the Packers, all to ourselves!

We screamed and pumped our fists and jumped on the tables.

(That is why you shouldn't eat anything off of those tables.)

AA-RON ROD-GERS, CLAP! CLAP!! CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!!!

Then we headed home.

Past our buds, and a beautiful park.

And when I opened the door to the Apartment...

I go:

HEEEYY, how does it smell?

And Burger turns to me and goes:

It DOES smell delicious! 

Small victories like that keep me going. 

It's enough to fill my tiny gas can for the next couple days.

love you guys.

The Blues.

There's something about those songs, they depress me.

When I was little I took a trip to the reservation and I got to watch that movie the Jerk, you know that one? It was the only movie they had at the place I was staying, so naturally I committed it to memory.

I have no regrets. 

I even bought that movie on the days after Burger was born because you can't start them early enough as far as comic genius is concerned.

I read that in a parenting book.

One directed at New Dads.

New Dad's that get it, if you know what I mean.

Anyways, there is some Blues on the Radio right now.

It is pretty good stuff, I mean, I am no expert, but I like what I like.

I have an idea, I have a lot of ideas.

I am what is called an "ideas man".

So I got a few of those kicking around in my brain.

Just, you know, gaining steam.

I got a head full of steam.

Steamy Head, it's a medical term that you can Google if you have a minute.

But not at work because it's probably NSFW.

At least, it sounds like it might be NSFW.

You guys got any friends?

What do you do when you think you lost one?

How do you deal with that loss I mean?

Well, let me know, and also since you're bragging about 

all these friends you got, why don't you tell them about

how hilarious I can be once in a while?

Thanks.

lvomatewh

Even In The Dark.

Pick a point.

Focus on it.

Strive towards it.