Peace Out.

What's his name?
Gavriel.
Gabriel?
No, GaVriel.
Are you sure? I have never heard that name before.
Sound it out, Gggguh, Gguhh-aaaavvv-reeee..
-I know what you are saying! I just don't think that is his name.
Yes it is.
Dude, there has never been a name Gavriel in the history of the world!
Yes there is, he is in my class.
Oh my lord..

Later, after he is asleep, I get an email with the updated class name list and there it is.
Gavriel.

The Rescue.

The days are longer in activity, but shorter on daylight.

It's like that again, or it's starting anyways.

Whether I like it or not.

Going on 3 weeks of the new schedule and I have a newfound

appreciation for my Mom who did this for 30+ years.

But I got a good dude on my team, I have help.

We just get ourselves dressed in our best armor and

head out every morning thirsty for adventure.

Choose your super powers wisely.

lovemattehw

Happy Father's Day.

 

It wasn't how I expected it. 

But it was good. 

I already marked my calendar for next year. 

What Happened Today Was...

A day can start out cool and warm all at once.

The sun is out, there are song birds and the air feels like cold silk.

You can gulp some hot coffee and be off into the day.

Just.

Like.

That.

You can look out the window at all the traffic and pretend like 

you are friends with everyone else on the road.

In a way this is true.

You are all out, together.

Sharing space.

On the surface I am paying attention.

Behind my eyes I am somewhere else.

I am sitting on the floor with my son, watching his tiny fingers make Lego Magic.

Once he was born he became the lens that I view my life through.

Maybe this is a dangerous game, but it's too late for me to stop now.

Here we are playing with toys.

There we are chasing each other across the park.

That is us, holding hands and eating ice cream cones.

Looking further through this lens one can see a whole life unfold.

Therein lies the danger... I guess.

You get lost in the monotony of every day, and you forget that this is all there is.

Only now, this dish I am washing.

Only... now, these teeth I am brushing.

Right now, this book I read.

If I look far enough into this lens:

 I see Burger looking back at me.

He is strong, he is big.

His smile is a million suns.

His arm is a cannon and his spiral is perfect.

He sees me now, lost in my monotony and

 he knows I am doing everything I can.

He gallops towards me and he scoops me up.

 He carries me home and puts me to bed.

And that's all it takes.

Go To Sleep And Let Your Bones Grow.

I have a headache.

I need a rest.

A break.

It has been a a long week, and it is only Tuesday.

Good night everybody.

Another Guy.

Today we went to Park Slope.

The park over there is pretty nice.

There's a pond and some trails.

We packed some lunch.

Sammys and Carrots.

We saw the tiniest turtle.

Swimming dogs and people running with kites.

I threw a tennis ball to Burger.

Over and over again.

His memories are still so sharp.

He remembered all the different events and their specific locations.

This makes me happy and sad at the same time.

One time we saw a duck get stuck in a fence.

It was high pressure.

We watched it struggle and quack.

Finally it got free.

Later, after we were home, I talked with my Dad on the phone.

I don't know how it all relates, but it does.

At least I think it does.

The Understandable Bum.

I was looking at all the Mom's at the park today.

I was waiting for them to invite me over into their little group.

You know, to like, talk shit about the kids...

Because that is what it looked like they were doing.

No judgements or anything.

Just calling it like I saw it.

It's how it looked.

Sue me.

I was only at the park on account of I got done a little bit early.

At work I mean, not life.

And so I grabbed the Burger and we stopped at a park.

Why not right?

YOLO and all that.

Only a year ago we were always doing shit like this all the time.
But you know, the world keeps spinning...

So anyways, it was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the remainder of it warming ourselves on the back of a giant turtle in the friscalating sunlight.

It's the Navajo Way.

love you guys.

Rise Of The Blue Beetle

We went for a walk.

To let our dinner settle into our bellies.

The sky was so pretty, it was orange and pink and blue.

You're standard beautiful sunset colors.

Then Burger sees a balloon sans string floating freely.

It was floating lazily, just we like to do.

So it was basically one of us.

Welcomed with open arms!

That balloon is now under his bed, chilling.

He is whispering to it, I don't know what.

I don't want to pry.

But I hear it going on in there.

Tomorrow we go to the Brooklyn Hospital for a minor procedural type of a thing.

That is basically what I said about the last time I went there, 5 years ago.

HA!

That's all I got for now.

I hope you all get a hug.

lovmeahtew

Why Say It Again?

This is how it goes, no matter how many times 

I explain what I am doing Burger always 

wants me to be doing something else.

For a good example, this evening I was making dinner and he said he wanted Tuna Fish. I had already told him I was not making that for dinner. 

I had told him this many times. 

I didn't want to tell him up front what I was making because I find it is easier to feed him when I can spring the meal on him and he has as little time to react as possible. 

So we get home and go through the getting home routine of hanging up our coats and getting into our pajamas. 

I start to make our meal. 

The meal is a small piece of chicken with a lot of vegetables and maybe some noodles. 

Also there will be a glass of Apple Cider.

So as I am prepping the roasting pan, Burger comes into the kitchen and asks if his Tuna Fish is ready yet and I remind him how I already told him that we wouldn't be having that for dinner and then he looks at what I am making instead and he says:

"Oh I see! You're making me vegetables that I don't want to eat".

The thing is that he says it so mater of factly.

He is okay with what I am doing, but he is also being honest.

And here I was worrying that I didn't know what I was doing raising a child.

Shows what I know.

I love you guys.

 

Bouncing Down.

This is basically what my job boils down to.

Oh and also I go to work.

From here on out I will be referring to my stint of unemployment as my "heroic sabbatical" if anyone asks. I don't know why, but that sounds hilarious to me especially given the recent life changes that went down.

I say that like life doesn't change all the time anyways. But you know what I mean. You know.

You know...

Quickly a few things and then I am out:

-I forgot how much sitting is involved with this kind of work.
-I have to pack more snacks.
-Wait, no! Not more snacks, just better, healthier snacks.

Suddenly my days are totally, completely, 100% full.
It's nice and distracting.
That sounds dangerous.

Finally, my project has passed 60% on Kickstarter, if you haven't gotten a chance to check it out, please give it a shot.
You guys know me.
I am a pretty solid dude.
I won't steer you wrong.

Of Your Own.

A friend gave me a pomegranate.

Two of them actually, but I had to share one of them.
Because you share with friends.

The other one was straight mine.

I ate it today, entirely.

I feel pretty good about my decision.

Another thing I feel good about?

I kept Burger home from school because he was sick.

He said he wasn't, but he was.

And even though I am 99% sure it was from school that he got sick, 

I couldn't send him there.

A part of it was just that I wanted him nearby today.

I don't know why. Just cuz.

Even when he is coughing directly into my eyes.

Or describing his "spicy poops" to me in real time.

Both things that he did today, and both times I just smiled and wished for more.

We went to the pharmacy the other evening to get some tissues.

He wanted me to carry him. 

What am I going to do? Say No?

There may come a day, sooner than I may be ready for 

when I will not physically be able to lift him. 

But my logic is that as long as I keep lifting him on a daily basis

I should be able to carry him well into his teens.

Which I plan on doing.

Note to self: Aim to be physically able to carry a 100+ lb. Burger to the ends of the Earth.

Speaking of...

I was speaking with Gene the Drummer, he lives downstairs.

He melts the paint off the walls with his skills.

He also melts the paint off my brain with conversations about the future of the planet.

The ends of the Earth (full circle)

He was a victim of the flooding.

His drums are fine, don't worry.

But he was talking about the melting ice, the rising waters.

The 20 year forecast is grim Bro.

According to Gene the Drummer.

And science, also science says it's game over.

Which is exactly why I have to be able to carry that much Burger.

Just in case.

I plan on working in shifts.

One carrier, one sleeper.

Right now I am both.

 

Wolf Howls!

Yesterday was a whirlwind of errands, talking, running and talking, and then busses and trains and all the while asking questions and commenting on surroundings and seeing paintings and then... surprisingly, a bit of silence.
But that was because of the traffic below us that was drowning out our voices that things were quiet. Then we descended into Brooklyn via the Willy-B and Holy Cow did we scream!!
All the way down, with shoelaces flapping and belongings spilling and feet barely touching the ground.
Then at the bottom, for some reason, we had to walk backwards to calm down and consider our places in this crazy messed up world.

And it was a tiny hand reaching for my much larger hand.
...

This brought it all down to a manageable level.
He's cool to me like that.

And it was dark outside, and it was quiet.

Security Blanket.

Keep it with you until it's ready to leave.

Eat Your Feelings.

Toast, Nut Butter, Avocado with a side of Chocolate.

Hot Tea.

Cold Coffee.

Bowls of Cereal.

Lollipop.

A single Beer.

Bowls of steaming Soup poured over Noodles.

Noodles just plain.

Taco Pie.

More Chocolate.

More Tea.

Less Coffee.

Bananas, Apples, Carrots.

You Were Saying.

Sup bro? 

You vote yet?

I was explaining to Burger what we were going to do, as we were walking to the voting station.

It is hard to explain something when the person you are explaining something to doesn't give a shit.

The last time I voted he was only 9 months old.

Can you believe that?

It was a completely different life for everyone involved, which includes you.

Four years? 

Shit.

Four years, four months, four hours.

It seems like I can break up time into 4's lately.

It's a nice round feeling number, even though I know that geometrically it can't be.

I don't know what else to say about that really.

Or anything for that matter.

Tonight anyways.

lovemaathew

You Only Get One.

Have you ever had an opportunity to meet one of your Heros or Idols?
Me neither, but I did get to meet this one guy once and I really was into the art he made.
He was what you might call a "successful artist".
I was in this big group show over in Williamsburg, and all of a sudden there he was.
Down from his castle on the mountain, or where ever he was living.
And so after a while I worked up the courage to go talk with him.
I mean, he's older than me, and I respect that you know?
When people are older than me?
They've been around longer, duh.
And so I stood there and listened to him be a total cranky grouch to this young woman.
And then when it was my turn I was like:
-Hey.
and:
-I want you to come look at my work.

Guess what?
He did.
And then he was a total cranky grouch to me too.
And I loved ever single second of it.
Not because of the wisdom he was imparting, because I don't know that I totally agreed with what he was saying, but that was just it, here I was thinking that he was this wise old sage full of deep thoughts.
Turns out he was just this dude that kind of got lucky and rode the wave.
Just like most of the other people that become successful in this life.

Him: How often do you get to work?
Me: As often as I can, I mean, I have a family at home and I...
Him interrupting: SO! I had a family too, but I knew I had to work! So I left.
Me: Well yeah, but there's got to be a middle ground, no?
Him: NO! It's code!
Me: Code? Like, an artist's code... to leave?
Him: No, not code, like code, like code blooded!
Me: Oh, cold. I see. But I don't want to leave my family.
Him: ... Well. That's your problem.

It's easy to sit and spout like you know when you got yours already.
Of course the only way to get to the top is to be a code blooded dude that cuts and leaves.
I like to believe that, had he not made that life choice and still found his success, his advice would have been something more like:

Love your family, the people around you, support each other and appreciate each other and eat dinners together and laugh and be happy. Be happy with what you have and don't fuck it up. Success will come in different forms and along hidden avenues, so just be on the look out, but never lose sight of your family.

That isn't what he said though.
But it is what I would say.
Some day, if some punk kid tries to crack my brain for some life advice.
I will tell them exactly what I wish the grouch had said to me.

And you know, there is no judgement in his advice, he was just being honest.
But it felt so wrong in my ears, I knew that the only reason that life had put us together on the street that night was to solidify my own views and advice to myself.

That advice rings even more true recently with my current life changes taking place.
As parts of my life were sort of crumbling down as I was trying to hold them up, I just listened to my heart and took my own advice. It doesn't mean that anyone else has to take it, but I wonder about this a lot lately: If I hadn't got the chance to speak with this man that night, and heard his sad advice for success, I might not know what I had and what was really important to me. It might have made it easy for me to just walk away as well and let it all fall apart.
Everyone for themselves.

So even when the advice is not what you want at the time, it doesn't mean that it is worthless.
Again, patience is key.
Like I've always said.

Some of us have it.
Some of us wish.

First Five Seconds.

Wake up, look outside, still the line for gas.
It feels like a movie, not a funny one either.
Lay back down and close my eyes, not my ears.

Listen.

The sound of artificial wind, and a tiny snore.

Think.

Get out of the cocoon to use the facilities?
Stay where I am and ignore my bladder.
Watch the skies for rain clouds.
Imagine warm wet grass beneath my feet.
Pretend I am listening to a live jazz ensemble.
Not the radio, but France instead.
Consider green tea instead of coffee.
Despite knowing that I am going with coffee.
Don't forget to work on yourself today.

Maintenance.

Check that gas line again: yup, still there.
Move things with my brain, in my brain.
This goes here, that goes here also.

Compartmentalize.

That would be a show I might watch.
The Compartmentalizer.
Well, not me, but someone. You.
Maybe.
What do I do with the royalties?
Save it I guess, that is what you are supposed to do.

Plan.

Decide to leave the cocoon.
Brush my teeth while I am up.
Check the windows, it looks like a good one out there.
I appreciate this clarinet solo.
I'm digging this.
It's touching on a very certain nerve in my brain.

Enjoy.

Get up, get dressed, get Burger dressed.
Cereal, coffee, apples and coffee.
I knew it.

Go team!

Hitting Reset.

Sometimes you need to go for a walk, find a place to sit and think, and wait for your friends to invite you over for potato chips and mini candy bars. It can be as simple as that and, POOF!! You're all set to face the world again. It is times like this when, despite all the chaos and destruction (personally, emotionally and naturally) that you should look to the heavens and count your stars and blessings. Because without such kind souls, you would truly be up a creek. And not in a good way.
I know that's right.
G'night.

Sweet Nectar of Life!!

Moving forward, please let me supply you with a few ideas to make your life easier, or tastier, or "lifeier" because that is really what I am here for, to help you, the casual blog reader. I want to provide the spice of life to thee.

So...

Next time you are in the pharmacy, or grocery store, buy yourself a candy bar or two. Buy some candy, and put it in the pocket of a coat you don't wear that often. Don't have a frivolous coat collection? Not a problem. Try a vest, windbreaker or pair of snow pants. Then do your best to forget about this candy because once you do, you got yourself a real surprise waiting for you the next time you get those snow pants on. Whooboy, you will really appreciate your past self looking out for you like that. Thanks... Me.

And...

Another thing I like to do is reward myself for doing exercise with a cookie. I know this sounds counterproductive, but for me it just goes to fuel a cycle of exercise. Crunches and pushups, then a cookie, and then I know I have to do some more crunches or pushups not only to reward myself, but to prod myself into the next round of exercises. See?! It's genius!!

Lastly...

Don't be stupid. I know that might sound mean, but it isn't meant to be. Just, you know, don't be stupid, because it is easy to do. I often find myself going down a road in my brain and I'll be fairly far along this road, sweating the details, worrying about the unknown, projecting scenarios and I'll have to slam on the brakes and remind myself: Don't be stupid. So much energy can be saved if you just remind yourself to not be stupid, give yourself a break and quit being stupid already. Give yourself credit for being smart enough to make it this far, maneuvering around life's obstacles like a clumsy pro. An easy test I came up with to tell if I am being stupid or not is to ask myself "Could, or would a Stupid Person do this?" Whatever the answer is, my answer to myself is always the same: Don't be stupid.
Then I have a good, short laugh and carry on.

I don't know if these tips will help you out at all.
It's not really up to me to save the Universe.
But if I can help out one person at a time, then I can rest easy.
Even if I only helped someone secretly stash some candy into an underused rain slicker.
Even then.

Unwritten Book Titles.

How to Reorganize, Refocus and Rebuild.

This is the title of a very helpful sounding book I have not written, but would like to read.

Maybe. I mean, I'll skim through it to see if any of it jibes.

One thing I can say about everything getting broken down so thoroughly is that it lets you reevaluate all the bits and pieces as you are sweeping them up and putting them in like sized piles,

which you should be doing because you are a responsible citizen.

Things that you forgot about, or had overlooked are suddenly front and center.

Pick and choose the things you want to carry with you, moving forward.

The You You Were Can Be The You You Are!!

That is another book I have not written.

Unlike the other book, this one I have no interest in reading.

Because the me I was was fine and all, but that was then and it leaves no room 

for the me I can become!

The Me I Need To Be.

Now THAT is a book that should be at the printer as we speak!

Anyways, there is something to be said about picking through the pieces.

You carry around the same things for so long, as soon as you drop them, 

you get a chance to see them in a new light and often you realize that many 

of these things were irrelevant or obsolete and you were holding on to ideas

of how you would like things to be, but in a scattered mess on the floor, you see

that you were wrong about a lot of it for a long time.

It's nothing personal, I mean, I feel 

foolish in many ways when this happens.

But how was I supposed to know?! 

I wasn't fully examining the situation.

And if I was, I wasn't doing it properly.

I was just glossing over a lot of details.

My mistake.