Of Your Own.

A friend gave me a pomegranate.

Two of them actually, but I had to share one of them.
Because you share with friends.

The other one was straight mine.

I ate it today, entirely.

I feel pretty good about my decision.

Another thing I feel good about?

I kept Burger home from school because he was sick.

He said he wasn't, but he was.

And even though I am 99% sure it was from school that he got sick, 

I couldn't send him there.

A part of it was just that I wanted him nearby today.

I don't know why. Just cuz.

Even when he is coughing directly into my eyes.

Or describing his "spicy poops" to me in real time.

Both things that he did today, and both times I just smiled and wished for more.

We went to the pharmacy the other evening to get some tissues.

He wanted me to carry him. 

What am I going to do? Say No?

There may come a day, sooner than I may be ready for 

when I will not physically be able to lift him. 

But my logic is that as long as I keep lifting him on a daily basis

I should be able to carry him well into his teens.

Which I plan on doing.

Note to self: Aim to be physically able to carry a 100+ lb. Burger to the ends of the Earth.

Speaking of...

I was speaking with Gene the Drummer, he lives downstairs.

He melts the paint off the walls with his skills.

He also melts the paint off my brain with conversations about the future of the planet.

The ends of the Earth (full circle)

He was a victim of the flooding.

His drums are fine, don't worry.

But he was talking about the melting ice, the rising waters.

The 20 year forecast is grim Bro.

According to Gene the Drummer.

And science, also science says it's game over.

Which is exactly why I have to be able to carry that much Burger.

Just in case.

I plan on working in shifts.

One carrier, one sleeper.

Right now I am both.

 

Get Down. Get Up.

Making rice in silence.

Semi silence, I can hear the rice cooker cooking.

Also I am dictating this blog to myself, you know, talking myself through some of my main problems in my brain, trying to figure things out a little bit.

It's called cleaning house, which by the way I did today.

You're welcome.

So here I sit, in my silent sparkling apartment, chillin'.

Waiting for Rice.

And then I ask myself: How did I get here?

This brought on a wave of emotion that I have been running from for weeks.

It did everything but leave me on the floor in the fetal position.

Half way through this video I am suddenly in the delivery room, holding my brand new son, covered in a fine grey fur. I swear! He was furry for a little bit anyways, and I am crying, and I am looking at him, and I am looking at T, and there is a flurry of activity as the nurses and doctors clean up and get ready to go on to the next delivery. But I am there, holding him in my arms, thinking that somehow this all makes sense and that I have a pretty good idea of where my life is headed. I can see the whole future, my family's collective future, so clearly in that delivery room. It is glorious!

And then I am worried that my tears might not be sanitary, and maybe that I should hand him over before I get him covered in my impure tears. This is what I am thinking holding my brand new son. And then someone takes him away and I sit down into the nearest chair and crash. The view of my future was so intense, it had to have taken at least a day or two off of my life. If my hair were capable of going grey, it would have. Instead, it just got more fabulous. 

Oh my lord, you guys, what is going on?

Probably one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made was to think I had it all figured out, at least for a little while. Because you know what happens when you think you got it figured out? You know what happens when you get comfortable?

Someone, or something comes along and shows you exactly how little you actually know about yourself, your life, your surroundings, what have you.

That comfy recliner you are about to fall into gets pulled out right from under your ass.

But I'll be honest, I didn't see my current situation in that glorious vision I described.

Nope.

Not even a glimmer, or a glimpse, or whatever you might call it, wherever you are from.

You get the gist.

Not that where I am at is terrible, or awful, or whatever you might call it wherever you are from.

It just isn't what I thought it would be, right now, currently.

It's just unexpected.

It's just life.

Bro.

Hot Tub Truth Machine.

This is my best friend. No offense to any and all of you that I'd pledged that title to previously, but he played a superior card. 

The Big C card.

I was in the middle of dominating a garage sale at my Mom's house when he called to tell me that he had cancer. Yeah, I know, what a dick.

Right as I was about to milk . 50 cents out of a sweeeeet octogenarian..  I could practically feel those five dimes in my sweaty palm!

You know how hard that is!?

It's like finding a four leaf clover growing out of a baby brontosaurus' head!

Anyways, yeah, so I borrowed money from my Mom and T and I flew out ASAP to see him.

It was of utmost importance.

Also, this was all back in July.

Anyways, y'all ever been to Portland, OR?

Cuz that's where we went, and it was great.

Or was it?

I can't really remember, the whole trip was clouded with emotions and tears and laughing and more tears and then more laughing that produced lots of tears and hugging and then all of a sudden there was a moment of clarity which was accurately captured in the above photo which happened to take place in the middle of the most intense communal bath either of us had ever been in together. 

Then, the next thing I know I am on a plane back to WI and all I have is my memories and thoughts to chew on, which is where I have been stuck at ever since.

Because life moves on.

That is what we talked about in Portland anyways.

I mean, basically you start to die the minute you are born.

That's how life works.

It's nothing personal.

It's perfectly summed up here:

Anyways, so now I am back in NY, he is stillin' PDX (abbreviation for Portland's Airport) and he calls me with news that there is significant shrinkage in his tumors and all the numbers are really low, which is a good thing, and I'm a mixed bag of emotion all of a sudden.

This is truly an emotional roller coaster that we seem to be on.

But I suppose that the same could be said about anything, or any of us.

I mean, nothing really makes us special.

I mean, we make ourselves special or forgettable, it is us that does that to us.

Right?

Like, if Jay-Z fell in a forest and no one was around to give a shit, would he make a sound or sell any merchandise?

So, in closing, I love my friend, and that is all I can do is love him and keep moving forward, laughin' huggin' and cryin'. We all keep growing and moving along and you call each other and visit each other and you think about each other and you just keep each other in each other's hearts.

You just keep hoping for shrinkage.

#SHRINKSTRONG

Tweet it to the heavens.

The fly on the wall.

What did you do this weekend?
It is not over yet dummy, so what have you done thus far?
I helped a friend move.
Then I went to an art show.

I would have rather kept moving furniture I think.
Not that there was anything wrong with the show, but I am so out of my element.
I don't know anyone.
It is really packed and loud.
You can't even get a good view of the art.

Were you there last night?
If you were, you might remember me, I was the guy that was standing near the door.
I was slowly creeping out.
Out into the night.

There was a baby though.
A brand new little baby the size of my Burger's head.
I wanted very desperately to hold the tiny little baby.
But I had the image to maintain.
The image of the guy who is not really there.

Well, I am fighting off a feeling of being a little sick.
I am going to walk to the store.
This is how I will spend the remainder of my weekend.

lovmathwe