Get Down. Get Up.

Making rice in silence.

Semi silence, I can hear the rice cooker cooking.

Also I am dictating this blog to myself, you know, talking myself through some of my main problems in my brain, trying to figure things out a little bit.

It's called cleaning house, which by the way I did today.

You're welcome.

So here I sit, in my silent sparkling apartment, chillin'.

Waiting for Rice.

And then I ask myself: How did I get here?

This brought on a wave of emotion that I have been running from for weeks.

It did everything but leave me on the floor in the fetal position.

Half way through this video I am suddenly in the delivery room, holding my brand new son, covered in a fine grey fur. I swear! He was furry for a little bit anyways, and I am crying, and I am looking at him, and I am looking at T, and there is a flurry of activity as the nurses and doctors clean up and get ready to go on to the next delivery. But I am there, holding him in my arms, thinking that somehow this all makes sense and that I have a pretty good idea of where my life is headed. I can see the whole future, my family's collective future, so clearly in that delivery room. It is glorious!

And then I am worried that my tears might not be sanitary, and maybe that I should hand him over before I get him covered in my impure tears. This is what I am thinking holding my brand new son. And then someone takes him away and I sit down into the nearest chair and crash. The view of my future was so intense, it had to have taken at least a day or two off of my life. If my hair were capable of going grey, it would have. Instead, it just got more fabulous. 

Oh my lord, you guys, what is going on?

Probably one of the biggest mistakes I could have ever made was to think I had it all figured out, at least for a little while. Because you know what happens when you think you got it figured out? You know what happens when you get comfortable?

Someone, or something comes along and shows you exactly how little you actually know about yourself, your life, your surroundings, what have you.

That comfy recliner you are about to fall into gets pulled out right from under your ass.

But I'll be honest, I didn't see my current situation in that glorious vision I described.

Nope.

Not even a glimmer, or a glimpse, or whatever you might call it, wherever you are from.

You get the gist.

Not that where I am at is terrible, or awful, or whatever you might call it wherever you are from.

It just isn't what I thought it would be, right now, currently.

It's just unexpected.

It's just life.

Bro.

There and Back.

Today as I was driving home with Burger in tow, I happened to glance over at a store that we had stopped in a while back, right around when he was born actually, to buy a few plants.
You know, to spruce up the old homestead.
Those plants, they sure didn't last.
Or at least, if they did, they aren't around to water anymore.
So if you happen to have those plants, tell them I said what's up.

I am getting used to this idea of before and after.
Perhaps I won't actually ever get used to it, but I am coming to accept that the idea exists.

It's funny though because if I had been able to see my life now compared to my life then, I probably would still make all the same decisions, because it isn't up to me to do anything differently.
But that doesn't mean I can't, haven't or won't change.
It just means that I am okay with where I am at, because that's the only place you can be.

Where I am at is hard right now.
To be honest with you bro, it is not ideal.
I am sweating it up like a real pro trying to catch the pieces as they fall.
I am like a holy combination of Gregg Jennings, Donald Driver and Jerry Rice all mashed up into one super receiver that's catching everything but some breaks.
But I am not complaining, I am just telling it like it is.
Shit's exhausting though.
That's why those dudes are always so sweaty I guess.

Before I could afford to drop a few because nothing was on the line.
After?
Well, after is still too soon to tell, but I am doing what I can with the hands I was born with.
Which is all any of us could hope for.

Y'all heard of Life 2.0?
Welcome to Life 2.5.

Sharks Patrol These Waters.

Seen above being as still as possible...

I am not sleeping well, I mean, I am sleeping, I am just not doing it well.
Probably better than you, but not as well as her.
I think that I have a tooth problem, but that is not anything I want to think about.

Burger turns four and the world still turns.
When I look at the photos from this time last year my hair was longer and more employed than it currently is. I was moving stones and I was taking names.
Things were great.
Great-ish, that is a word I invented.
Invented-ish.
That's another one.

There was a morning that popped into my head in which T and I got up early and drank coffee while it was still dark outside and listened to a song by Morphine on the radio.
It was just one of those happy accidents that you probably get to revisit in the flash before your life ends.

I been meaning to tell you so many things lately but then I get blocked up mentally.
I don't want to sound like a bummer, or whatever the kids are calling bummers nowadays.

I lay kind of sleeping, kind of waking for what feels like hours, and then I crash into a deep, intense dream filled vortex and wake up feeling like I should have been painting all night.
I got a lot on my mind I guess.

Remember the mental stove?
That shit is popping as of late.

love you guys.