Brother Jim

Now is when the dark times start.

I say this with the hopes that most of the dark times will blow over 

while I am busy chasing my children, maintaining and nourishing my relationship, 

painting my heart out and driving a truck 

through the city streets.

But during all of those things, 

behind it all will be the wall of clouds.

A wall of gray.

The other night, before I was to go home to Wisconsin.

Before I had to go and hold my people while we all shook with grief

Burger's tooth was loose. 

a front one.

a big deal.

I loosened it for a while, and so did he. 

He chomped on an apple and I listened for the sound a loose tooth makes 

when it is ready to be set free.

But dude was nervous, he kept saying it wasn't ready.

-Look, that tooth IS ready and it needs to get out of your head before i leave for my trip.

...okay...

-Would it make you feel better if you pulled on it instead?

...yes...

And so he pulled and twisted and suddenly there was his tooth

tiny and square in my palm.

He smiled a bloody smile and we all cheered and he beamed with courage and pride.

Being a parent, your life is full of firsts. I am not saying that your life isn't full of firsts 

without being a parent, but maybe I just pay attention to them more now that things seem a bit more important than they did when I only had to worry about myself.

There are so many firsts.

Watching the video memorial for Jim, there were so many pictures of him before we became friends.

They were all firsts for me.

Jim running a race, Jim with a basketball, Jim in the deep Wisconsin Snows I remember.

As a father these all hit home and made sense to me.

I know that I have those same photos of my own children.

They never ran a race, but you know what I mean.

It's the idea of capturing the moment 

because you know that it is fleeting.

Soon they are on to the next thing.

Don't miss it.

They are running the race

They are playing a guitar

They are growing their hair

They are smiling at you

They are moving away

Jim got sick in a summer and he passed in a winter.

I didn't get to properly say goodbye.

I didn't get to hold his hand.

If I had been there, he probably
would have laughed at me and told me to get home.

-Dude! Think of all the firsts you're missing!