Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Brother Jim


Now is when the dark times start.
I say this with the hopes that most of the dark times will blow over 
while I am busy chasing my children, maintaining and nourishing my relationship, 
painting my heart out and driving a truck 
through the city streets.

But during all of those things, 
behind it all will be the wall of clouds.
A wall of gray.

The other night, before I was to go home to Wisconsin.
Before I had to go and hold my people while we all shook with grief
Burger's tooth was loose. 
a front one.
a big deal.

I loosened it for a while, and so did he. 
He chomped on an apple and I listened for the sound a loose tooth makes 
when it is ready to be set free.
But dude was nervous, he kept saying it wasn't ready.
-Look, that tooth IS ready and it needs to get out of your head before i leave for my trip.
...okay...
-Would it make you feel better if you pulled on it instead?
...yes...

And so he pulled and twisted and suddenly there was his tooth
tiny and square in my palm.

He smiled a bloody smile and we all cheered and he beamed with courage and pride.

Being a parent, your life is full of firsts. I am not saying that your life isn't full of firsts 
without being a parent, but maybe I just pay attention to them more now that things seem a bit more important than they did when I only had to worry about myself.

There are so many firsts.

Watching the video memorial for Jim, there were so many pictures of him before we became friends.
They were all firsts for me.

Jim running a race, Jim with a basketball, Jim in the deep Wisconsin Snows I remember.

As a father these all hit home and made sense to me.
I know that I have those same photos of my own children.
They never ran a race, but you know what I mean.
It's the idea of capturing the moment 
because you know that it is fleeting.
Soon they are on to the next thing.
Don't miss it.

They are running the race
They are playing a guitar
They are growing their hair
They are smiling at you
They are moving away

Jim got sick in a summer and he passed in a winter.
I didn't get to properly say goodbye.
I didn't get to hold his hand.

If I had been there, he probably
would have laughed at me and told me to get home.
-Dude! Think of all the firsts you're missing!


2 comments:

  1. You blow my away! You're such an amazing man, I'm so proud of you and what you have become!
    I am lucky to call you friend.
    I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You blow my away! You're such an amazing man, I'm so proud of you and what you have become!
    I am lucky to call you friend.
    I love you!

    ReplyDelete

No dick heads please.