Friday, July 22, 2011
Why Men Leave?
A friend of mine was recently dropped like a bag of potatoes by her partner with whom she has a child. That is her terminology there, the potato terminology, so don't shoot the messenger, instead why don't you laugh with the messenger, because that is a funny visual. Both my friend and I had to deal with divorce when we were young, and we were talking about it earlier.
We both agreed that we would never be the ones to leave the relationship, which is an easy thing to say when you aren't the one that ducked out early to catch some rays on the beach or whatever it is you do when you are the deserter. We both agreed on this "for the child's sake!" and it is pretty much a fair statement for me to make on account of how much I love my son. And it is not just because I love him that I would stick around, but because I love being around him and it breaks my heart to think that I would have to work out some kind of custody arrangement in order to see him.
Now let me just break here to say that I am not judging anyone. I certainly have my relationship problems, just like any healthy relationship SHOULD have, and I have yet to be pushed to the limits of my tolerability, and so I don't speak for everyone even though it seems like there might be some judgement in my opening paragraph... there isn't. I don't know what it is like to deal with these issues that my friend is going through. I hope never have to. That being said...
Between my friend and I, there are three men in this situation that ended up leaving the family unit. And they are all Dads. I don't know WHY they left, it isn't up to me and even though I had to live with my Dad's decision, I don't have to OWN it. And that is a good thing to be able to differentiate here. For all of the stuff that goes on, or went on between my Mom and Dad, they did a pretty good job of letting me know that it was "nothing personal". And it really isn't. I think probably most of the time people split up because of differences between partners, and not because the children are a bunch of assholes.
Although this, like everything in this life is a possibility and probably had happened at some point in the history of the world.
I told my friend that I agreed that she was doing the right thing by sticking around, but also that it was possible that the dude was doing the right thing in his own way, by not sticking around. I mean, he sounds like a pretty bad partner, not a bad Dad, but a bad dude to live with until you are old and grey and waiting to see who gets buried first. I mean, in the long run, he might be saving everyone a lot of headaches by just admitting that he is a bad partner and for that reason, shouldn't be around the family. Right? Don't worry, there is no right and wrong for you here, we are all just on the fence, silently observing.
It makes me feel so sad.
But it is also something that gives me perspective in my own life and relationship, which is good, right? Using other people's trials and tribulations for your own personal insight and perspective, isn't that the circle of life?