There was a time when I would wake up early.
While everyone else would sleep, I would dress and slip out into the dark.
Warm up the car, wait.
Pull a U'ey and get onto the highway and head west.
Pass the Indian Casino and the baseball stadium.
Pull into the dark parking lot and head inside.
I had this job baking muffins and scones at a Co-op
in Wisconsin and it was a good job.
I don't know what is bringing this memory into my head right now.
Maybe it is the music on the radio?
You guys, that was a very long time ago.
That was at least nine residences ago!
Where did that time go?
I have so much to show for what I have done with my life since then.
And I wasn't spending much time looking back until recently.
I am a forward thinking person, so I look forward.
But recently I have been searching, sifting through the pieces.
Like I am trying to reassemble a broken plate, or something else that is equally breakable.
Putting like sized pieces into their respective piles and areas.
Brushing everything off and examining each piece.
Looking through a new lens.
Does the past hold up?
My friend Jim said that when he found out about his cancer he spent a lot of time looking back.
Trying to pin down a more precise time that he should have seen the signs.
As if that would have allowed him to somehow undo things.
Change of diet, exercise more, praying...
Like there is some thing that you didn't do right.
And I tell myself what I told him:
It's nothing personal.
And still I sort.
And still I examine.
Late into the night.
Practicing my breathing.