kind of like a weird thing.

did i tell you that i got to see some buddies last week? i totally got to see barb and gregg from wisconsin and carrie and brian from michigan. it was great! it made me feel less homesick to be able to hang with some people that wanted to talk with me and stuff. barb and gregg are my friend caitlin's parents, and we went to a comic book museum andd got sandwiches and sangria with them. it was nice because they are older than me, but they don't act like they are "older" than me. like, they think it is pretty cool that t dubs and i moved to this city. i don't know why they think that since i was trying to explain why it was so stupid. but they said that we should do this stuff while we can. this is something that i keep forgetting, and i should try harder to remember, that for now we are free, and once truen decided to go back and finish her school, or we get a puppy or one of those um, what do you call them? you know, they are like puppies but humans? well, if we had one of them human puppies, we would have to knocck off all of thiis galavanting. but for now, live it up i guess.
with carrie and brian, well they seem to view our adventure the same way, but it is a different feeling because like they have a house and jobs and lots of stuff. so it would be hard for them to do what we are doing, beccause of those things i just mentioned. it is weird because i get the feeling that in a way they, or brian at least, envy what we are doing because we are not that much further apart in age and this might be a little appealing to them because of that. like for example i went into this skate shop here and they had this sweet mini ramp set up and you could totally skate it for 30 bucks a year and i was watching these kids skate and i wanted so badly to drop in and skate but my knees hurt from the bike trip and i don't have the insurance or the money to burn on a skateboard. i knew it was not going to happen, but it didn't stop me from thinking about it all day.
but with carrie and brian, the other thing that is weird is that i totally envy what they have, the same way that they might think that what truen and i are doinng is cool, a part of me (and this is a part of me that iis growing like hungry tumor) yearns for that kind of security. to have my things in one place, to have a routine, to come home to a home. it has been a while since i felt that way, andd i know that my carefree times will be coming to a close soon.
so i guess that, more than any other reason, is why i should try my hardest to fight the homesickness that bubbles in my stomaach daily. because i know that soon i will not be doiing this, that i can't keep doing this really, and so while i still can, i should drop in and be free.
i love you guys.
-matthew

Fred Bear.

You know what is hard to do? It is hard to not care about money when you are surrounded by people your own age blowing it out of their asses. I swear it is making me sick. It is making me wish I were any other species but human. Guess what I saw today? I saw a woman walking two greyhounds and guess what? She had shoes for her dogs. Not just some stupid homemade contraptions like out of duct tape and cardboard but actual name brand shoes for dogs. You know what else I saw? I saw at least four people in the past two days that didn’t HAVE shoes. Not like they just felt like roughing it or anything, I am sure they wanted some shoes, they just didn’t have any. And this probably happens all the time. I can hardly stand it watching this blatant disregard for human beings. It honestly feels like a part of me is dying. The part of me that is polite, the part of me that is compassionate, the part of me that is optimistic. How do people live like this? Pushing and rushing and not smiling or looking other people in the eyes when they need help?
When I say that it makes me wish that I were any other species I don’t mean to say that you would not see such sad things in the animal kingdom, but at least you would not be surprised. I don’t think the rabbit hates the dog for chasing it, it understands that the chase is in the genetic code of the dog just like the escape is in the genetic code of the rabbit. But this shit that you see every day here, jesus, what is this all about?
How can you choose to care about one person and not the other?
When you look at someone sleeping on the street, how can you not imagine yourself in that position? Is it because you have a job and a house or apartment that you can go home to? Is it because you have a loving family that is waiting for you there? Is it because you have a strong base of supportive friends that would step in to help you out if you were in trouble? Well, what if you didn’t have those things? What is those things that keep you operating like a “normal responsible healthy person” systematically fell apart beneath you and suddenly you had none of those things? Would you be strong enough to pick up the pieces? I wonder.
The worst is that I feel like I am just adding to the problem by being here. What am I doing to help? What am I doing to fix it? what is anyone doing to fix anything? Have you seen this new campaign for object that are red? What a joke! What? Suddenly if I wear something that is red I am helping a cause? I am raising awareness for something? Really? Great! Is this something new that no one is aware of? Something that will surely be cured as soon as everyone knows about it? Wait, it’s AIDS? And I have to BUY something red? And when I DO buy something red, only a portion of the proceeds go to kids with AIDS in Africa? And people are supporting this because celebrities told them to? Is that really what it takes to get something done? How pathetic. And how offensive to the people that are staring at the same billboard as me with all of their belongings in a milk crate and a shopping cart with no where to go when it gets cold outside. Never mind that all of the money that goes into an ad campaign like this, all of the fund raising parties and all of the materials being published and produced to raise awareness, ALL of that money is being wasted on just getting this back slapping going in the first place.

….


Well, this is my mind in New York City.
lovematthew

hot coffee!!

have you ever lived in a big city? did you hate it? i don't think that i hate this big city stuff, i mean, there are definately some nice perks. for example, there are markets on every corner that sell mangos and various other fresh fruit. well hey! that sounds nice! also, thre are plenty of different places to get coffee and extremely delicious egg and cheese bagel sammies. i like that also! there are also plenty of job posibilities, so i could be any number of things if i wanted and i would not be limited to the jobs available in a smaller town or city. well, alright, but i don't really care about that.
but you know, i would like to see some real trees. like, not these sad looking big bare trees. like the kind back home.
also, i would like some space. how about like, at least a 2 foot radius at all times. oh, and if it is possible, oculd you keep it down? i mean, you are talking kind of loud.

well, we are still in new york. i think we will be here for the winter. i don't know if this is the best idea, but it is the only thing we came up with at the last moment, and naturally, it is what we did. but that doesn't mean that i regret it. it means we have to be very resourceful and hard working with the time that hwe have here. most of the complaints i have are just me coping i suppose. it is such an overwhelming feeling to be here. but that feeling iis subsiding slowly, and i am coming to see possiblity. so, be patient and i am sure these posts will get more upbeat. i promise.
lovematthew

It is fun to be alive again.

You guys, things are getting better. for a while, a couple of days, I was really getting scared about my life. I was thinking that perhaps I made a big mistake by coming out here to New York. I couldn’t stop worrying, silently in my head, that things wouldn’t work out. I was thinking that I would have to go straight home, that people here… that the whole city would see right through me and kick me out. But things are good! What was I so worried about? I don’t know. This is just like Milwaukee, only way, way bigger and louder and busier. But a city is a city I think. I would like to see more trees and less people, but you make sacrifices living in cities I guess. There are certainly a lot of dogs. These people we stayed with when we first got here have a big hairy dog named Carl. I like that dog. I feel like we are cut from the same cloth as we both are trying to make the best out of being in this place.
Truen and I walk a lot every day. We walked from Brooklyn, across the Williamsburg Bridge to Manhattan, and then we walked all the way up to the middle of the city, and THEN we walked all the way back with totally full bladders! DANG!
WE stopped in front of this little red door and Truen says in this tiny voice “this is where I stayed the last time.” It was so weird, we have both been here before, but just visiting. Now when I walk around, I have this odd feeling of familiarity that I don’t understand because I didn’t ever live here. Maybe it is just that being here leaves an indelible impression on your brain? I am not really sure. It is totally a good time right now though.
I have been talking to lots of people, “networking” is what I like to call it.
I am just happy to be alive.
If only I could have witnessed the joy this city would have felt to have the Mets go to the World Series.
Well for now, that is all. We are both doing well, and we miss you guys.
I miss you guys.
I love you guys.
lovematthew

an iced twat.

What is excess? This is a question that I ask myself a lot lately. It could just be working in the service industry, it could just be living in a town where 80% of the people you see on a daily basis are just here for a week or two. It could also be from handling other people’s money all day and looking over at the magazine rack full of wasted paper.
So here are the things I wonder, what makes the people with money do what they do with the money that they have? How old is old enough? Under what conditions would you sell out? What exactly is selling out?
Chris Rock had this bit about rich vs. wealthy. He said that Shaq is rich and the man that gives Shaq his paycheck is wealthy. Right on Chris! I thought about this yesterday when I had to make burritos for a wealthy family that came into the burrito stand. They were horrible, but then, that might just be holding their wealth against them. No, they were actually pretty bad, obnoxious, oblivious, demanding, rude. It was not fun, and at the end one of them mentioned off handedly something about leaving a tip. I was immediately furious with them. Off course I need the money, but I didn’t want their money. I kept my mouth shut, and they put their money into the tip jar, and a part of me died I am sure. Do you ever think about how money rules us? Or power I guess, but really that is all money is to the wealthy, it is just power. Power that they use to buy elections, power that they use to buy people off, power that they use to control everything that they want. It is so sickening and sad to think that it is this cycle that we can not ever break out of. Because when it comes down to it, I need that money to help my family, don’t we all? And that is the only reason I do a lot of the things that I do, just like the rest of us.
I was thinking about the 60’s all summer. I was not alive for the 60’s. it is probably unfair of me to even talk about the 60’s since I wasn’t there. But when I hear people talk about the 60’s, when I read about it in books, or watch a documentary about it, or I see pictures from the time, it makes me feel this mixed feeling of excitement and sadness. The idea that there was a counter culture that stood for something, that there was protesting and fighting and demonstrating all in the name of a better place to live, that sounds so great. But what happened? Where did it go that belief in change? Why can’t that ever work? How sad it would be to see the most prominent people fighting for a better life for all of us gunned down.
I was reading an article about the president of Bolivia, Evo Morales. He sounds like a good man. The first thing he did when he moved into office was cut his wages in half, and that caused the rest of his cabinet to do so as well. He wants things to change, he grew up in poverty and climbed to the top, not because he wanted a better life for himself, but because he wanted a better life for all of the people in the country and he was committed to delivering that life to those people. But I wonder, how long can it last? Of course the US makes him out to sound like a criminal and a lunatic, but of course he seems crazy to us, he is trying to break down barriers that keep people in power safe.
I don’t know guys, I just feel like every time someone comes along to get our hopes up, they are squashed and their message is left to be watered down, and their faces are turned into posters to be hung on dorm room walls. Like a reminder to all the fresh young minds, “you want freedom, but you want money more.”
I can not wait to be on my bike.
lovematthew