Working it out of your system.

Oh man, have you ever worked full time?
I mean like a full time job?
Isn't that tiresome? How do people do it? It seriously cuts into the my free time.
But I think I understand the bar after work scene. Finally!
I just got hired on at this company and it is full time, with benefits (whatever THAT means), and also I get a steady paycheck every week.
Do you want to get your teeth cleaned? Because you can, as long as you say you are me... but they might ask you some questions to prove you are me, so here are some answers to the test they might make you take.
1.) A
2.) A
3.) C
4.) A
5.) Heights, and Spiders.
6.) Curly.
7.) Secretly, when I think everyone else is asleep.
8.) 5 miles.
9.) I'll take what I can et.
10.) Honey brown.
11.) 5 inches... in the cold.
12.) 150 pounds.
13.) St. Louis
14.) Lee Harvey Oswald.
15.) Was a useful Idiot.

The rest of the test is answered in essay form.
Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that things are insured, busy, and oblivious.
Also I thought that I could start to end with a list of things that got me pumped.
Here is the list as of right.... NOW!
-Shooter, A song by Fall Out Boy, A song by Jay Z, Fruit, Skating the mini ramp, Truen's dress and tights, Sleeping, Drawings.
That is all.
lovemthe

supremely tired and sore in the belly.

This is what my room looks like.
Jealous? You're jealous.
Well, I have been working for a bunch of new stuff.
Like an apartment, and also a new coat for spring.
I have also been working with this company, a new one for me, and it has been great.
Organized, efficient, guaranteed lunch breaks. Sa-weet.
Otherwise things are pretty mush the same. I been drawing, I been walking, I been drinking coffee.
I have been trying to not drink so much coffee, but it is so hard when everyone else is doing something to say "NO".
So, T has been doing better also, happier and more inspired.
All around things are good.
So now you know.
I have some other photos to show you, but not till the weekend I think.
I got other things to do right now.
lovemthew

Digging out.

I am sweaty!
Did you see me helping that guy dig out his car from the snow?
Man o' Man! I sure saved the day.
I just saw him struggling and I thought "It sure has been a while since I had to shovel any snow." So I ran out there and dug in and in no tie I had moved some of the snow.
Things to be happy about?
Sure! I got some!
The Nintendo DS is outselling Sony's PSP 3 to 1!!
Also, Nintendo's newest console the Wii is thee top selling console followed by the Xbox 360 and then the Playstation 2.
What!? There is a Playstation 3!!??
When did THAT happen?
Anyways, you might not see it, but Nintendo's success is a great example of sticking to what you are good at and believing in yourself.
So, there you go.
That is all.
lovematthew

How I appear to other people.

The other day it was so nice out, it was 70 degrees or something. Maybe you never lived in a place where it gets cold in the winter? If not, it is alright, nothing personal. But you know what you lack completely? The ability to appreciate the first warm days after a bout of cold days. I swear it is like girls carry around spare tank tops in their purses and as soon as it is just barely warm enough they throw 'em on and strut around in the most glorious spectacle... unless you live in a place with a harsh winter, you will never fully appreciate this sight.
Around here we call them "the first boobs of spring" and we have a parade and everything.
Cake, popsicles, dancing, it is all there. And not a single bra in sight.
Anyways, it is great. T and I were walking around after I had had a long day of work and we were just smiling and smelling the smells of the spring. Charcoal grills, spring air, marijuana, it was a very relaxing combo.
So, now it is snowing and everyone is pissed and sad. But that is a whole different part about having harsh winters.
People want so badly to believe that the crappy weather is gone that they become blind with denial, and when the snow or rain or cold comes back, it is like a million slaps in the face.
I cracked wise to this a long time ago.
Plus a part of me is dead inside.
It isn't as bad as it sounds because technically the piece is not dead but just frozen solid with no chance to fully thaw, so I just count it as dead.
Well that is all for now.
Things are getting better on a daily basis.
In your face!
lovematthew

The laughing cougar.

The thing that is hard to do is keep to your own business.
I am always having ideas for other people, but they aren't asking for them, I just believe that my ideas are good ones and they need to be heard!
And it isn't that they aren't good, I mean come on...
But they aren't for everyone right? So I should just keep to myself I guess. Otherwise I upset the balance.
The balance is names T-Dubs.
HA!
But seriously it is something that I have been trying to deal with, keeping my thoughts to myself but still trying to share with other people.
So, lots of times I just nod my head.
Ask me why.
I don't know, that is another part of my plan is to not listen to what people are saying so as not to then want to interfere because I can't interfere with something I don't know anything about right?
I am available to come speak at schools and businesses for motivational purposes if you'd like.
lovemattehw

I have a lot of things to ponder.

I had to go to Connecticut recently.
It is a very wealthy place.
I could tell by looking out the window.
You can just tell you know?
Not a lot of litter.
Clean road signs.
Nice cars.
A very quaint Dunkin' Doughnuts.
I just looked around at the evidence.
Then we got to the office complex.
This was where we were delivering a painting.
Do you work in an office?
How do you do that?
This place, oh man it was terrible.

I like the show the office. I like the British version a lot. My mom says she doesn't understand what they are saying, so she likes the American series. I like the American one also, but it is a different kind of show. Either way, I must just have a very inaccurate view of what it is like to work in an office. I have no idea. These shows, they are making fun of the monotony and depressing aspects of office environments right? The petty power plays, the quiet desperation to get out of there, the feeling of life passing you by, the fact that often times the people that go for middle management type jobs are often there for the middle management power and not to actually try and do a good job. I think that is all good and fun to laugh at from the comfort of my own tiny apartment. But to actually work there?
Are you serious?

Tim and I shuddered as we climbed back into the truck.
Tim is a musician and his band just recorded a full length album. I think they are producing it themselves. Tim is so excited, it is the main thing he talks about.
I realized that one of the reasons I like this job so much is that it puts me into close contact with other guys that are chasing their dreams. When I am around these guys it makes me feel like I am not alone. We are all struggling, but we are driven to try and do something different than work in the office.
I don't know, I guess there are so many issues to talk about to try and figure out why things are the way they are and it is very overwhelming to try and think about it all at once.

There has got to be a middle ground right? I mean, maybe there isn't. You do what you are doing and that is how things are right? To get the kind of job that lot's of people have, the office job or the hospital job or the government job, that isn't something you just go and get. I mean, to make it sound that easy is silly. There is school, there is application, there is drive to get those things. I don't have that drive. At least not for that kind of life.

The thing is that while I might be a nervous wreck right now, I worry. I worry a lot! And I don't have a lot of security financially. But I accept that these things, I am used to them, they come with the territory I guess.

Someone asked me one of those questions that is more of a statement rather than an actual question... What they asked was "If I am not going to be Jasper Johns in his lifetime, then what are you doing?" That is a good question. That is a good point.
Bu this is just what I am doing. And I don't have an end in sight.
The only thing I am shooting for is to keep drawing.
lovemattehw

Steps back and to the side.

I guess it is important to look at a larger picture. For analytical reasons I mean.
So when someone says that they want space, look at all of the reasons that they might want that space, and try not to take it personally. Try not to read too much into it.
Try to focus.
Really, REALLY try to focus.
Don't forget to eat.
Don't forget to get out and move your body around a bit.
Try and peek over the edge of the impending space and smile at it maybe.
Maybe don't look back for a while and only look ahead.
Plan a trip.
Don't feel guilty.
Don't read too much into it.
lovematehw

Good Morning World!

I feel.
It is hard to do sometimes because often times your feelings get stepped on and run over and ignored.
But it was how I was raised, it's all I know!
And maybe I am wrong for thinking this, but I feel like by now my feelings should have calloused a bit. Like they should not be so "feely". But still they get hurt and I always think that maybe NOW I can be less sensitive because I can anticipate that in certain situations, feelings get hurt.
But the thing about that is that I can't anticipate anything because there are new things that happen and I am often surprised by how I find my feelings getting involved with my new sitch.
It creates unease.
But surprises are good right?
I mean, good things can come of new things right?
I am going to have to get back to you on this, my ham sandwich just arrived.
lovemathwe

One page drawings.

I have the day off.
I woke up this morning and it was snowing lightly.
T and I have been trying to be different.
Trying to break apart habits that we have with each other.
These would be what we would call "bad" habits.
It's hard though right? I mean, you get used to things the way they are sometimes... even if you don't like the way that things are all the time. I mean, you have only have so much time in the day and sometimes you have to think about other things before you can think about yourself and your stupid problems right?
Examples would be work, school, direction in life, groceries, laundry, free time, drawing, driving and commuting...
Well you can see the list is stretching on and on with no end in sight, and this is all in ONE day! So what are you supposed to do?
How do you change the way you act when you can't change the rest of your environment?
When you have the same surroundings all the time, it is easy to fall into roles and habits and I don't understand how, if your environment stays the same, you can be expected to change?
If the things you want to change are internal, but you have constant external re-enforcement, it makes it very difficult to be a different person.
It is something you have to really want. You really have to work on it, all the time! It is gradual and slow like an ice berg.
I know that this isn't the same, but listen to this...
There is this vintage men's shop near my house and even though I like the clothes, I can't picture ever wearing them because that would require me to change, and to change takes time, and time is precious and it is hard to set time aside to change when you have to do all that other stuff as well.
I can't just start to suddenly wear a new outfit, partly because I don't have the money, but also because I have too many external enforcers that would get in the way.
So there is no leather jacket in my future, no fancy slacks, no expensive shirts.
I am the way I am.
Whether I like it or not.
lovematthew

when things get bad.

when things get bad you should just get out of the immediate vicinity! RUN! LEAVE!
when things get really bad it is best to just give up and forget that you even were involved.
start a new life somewhere. it can be fun! you can reinvent yourself or just try to be like the way that you were in your most favorite memories of yourself when you felt cool and confident.
maybe it takes some time, but isn't it worth it? it is something you want to be doing anyways, in your secret compartment of your mind.
learn a new language, grow or cut your hair.
wear clothes you feel good in.
don't wear clothes.
whatever you want to do now you can because you are starting over!
lovematthew

Really soon and stuff.

I am listening to a woman talk about how Starbucks is going to be opening six stores a day. I don't know for how long this is supposed to last, I would guess for a while, right? Also there was a leaked memo where the owner of Starbucks complained that everything is so automated and he misses how they used to have a real coffee shop experience with grinders and steamers... the stuff that you like about your neighborhood coffee shop, personality and stuff like that. It makes me feel a little better about my place in the universe to know that even the incredibly wealthy still aren't fulfilled. They still look back on what they once had. I am not gloating, but it proves to me my suspicion that the only paths to being content and happy are at the fingertips of every man woman and child, no matter how rich or poor and those paths are all internal. It is all just a matter of using your mind i guess, following a religion perhaps, trying your best to be a nice person, consideration and tolerance. Blah blah blah.
I don't mean to get so new agey or preachy, but it feels like a small victory to realize that while you may want many things from this world, chances are you have a lot more within you than you might think.
I mean think about this man that owns Starbucks. How can he ever turn back? How can he ever possibly return to a normal level? I would say he has a rough road ahead of him.
Anyways, it is super nice outside and I think I am going to go for a long walk.
I miss you guys.
lovematthew