rainy days in the grove.

it is definately not summer anymore. it might still be warm once in a while, but it the tourists are trickling away, and the sun goes away sooner each day. the water is cooling down. dang man, how did all this go so quickly? i had so many things that i wanted to tell you guys about, but now i can't remember them. i thinkk it might be that i can't concentrate right now because of the hustling and bustling in this coffee shop. that might be it.
i can tell you this important thing that i learned this summer.
people don't want to hear your stupiid opinions concerning theiir lives. your brother? he doesn't want to hear it. your brother in law? he could care less? your best friend!? nope, not even your best friend.
is this just human nature? or is it masculine, pigheaded, stubborn behavior? i am sure that it is just as relevant to women also, but for my summer, it has been primarily dudes.
but whhy? what makes a person unwilling to admit that you might have a point? how can everyone act ass if this is the first time that these obstacles have been faced, or these emotions have been felt? what makes people think that they are so special?
i suppose one answer to that question would be that the concerned parties are what makes that person special. what i mean is this, the only thing that makes you special is that the people around you treat you like you are. you as an individual don't mean anything to the rest of the world. it sucks to think that, but i believe it is true. if ii were to drive my car off of the anderson dock, if i were to be diagnosed with an incurable disease, if i were to wind up in jail in some other state or country, the only people that would care at all would be my friends and family. no one else. am i wrong? i don't think so, but i could be. perhaps there are thousands or millions of people that i am unaware of that couldn't stand the thought of a world without my presence, but i don't believe that.
i believe that it has been a huge help to me to admit that to myslef. to accept that nobody cares about me except for my friends and family has only made me appreciate those people that much more. and what more is there? what other reason would there be to be alive? who wants to be alone all the time? are you really a rock? are you really an island?
are you really art garfunkel?
it iis so hard to watch someone make the same mistakes tha tyou have made before. my mom always tells me that about my money situation. and i listen to her as best as i can. but it feels like with jim and garrett and nathan, they don't want to hear what i have to say at all, as if i have nothiing to tell them that they don't already know. it is very frustrating.
i at least acknowledge that my mom has a point and that i should get my finances in order. and me not doing that yet has nothing to do with me not respecting her views on my life, but when you are struggling to get things together, you have to prioritize, and i think that is what i am doing.
i don't think that it is in anyone's best interest to act as if there is nothing left for them to learn. to act as if there is no value in what someone is telling them, just because of who is doing the telling. to discount ANY advice is a risky mistake. at least, that is what i think.
well, i have a wet tent floor to take care of. be good.
and listen to your friends and family, they probably know you better that you think.
lovemattehw

no more energy.

today is my day off. it is raining, and truen is working. normally she has the day off with me, but she is making the big bucks and i can't blame her for wanting to provide me with the extravagant lifestyle that i have become accustomed to in the past few weeks. i think today i will read a book. how fun!
what do you think about magazines? how is it so hard to find a good magazine to read? are they all just filled with advertisements and photos of people that you wish you could be? truen sometimes seems to be obsessed with being famous. being a celebrity. i just don't think that it is probably that great. i found this article about this guy named niggo. he is this japanese "fashion mogul" who is young and so hip that he creates what is going to be hip in the future. can you imagine the power this man has!? if he says that the new look of hip is to just get out of the shower and go to the party in your towel, then THAT is what is hip! don't question me! I AM NIGGO! even his name is hip. but do you know what he did? all he did was appreciate the American hip hop style and sort of import it to japan. is that even fair? he has more money than he ever thought he would see in his lifetime, but for what? and what is he even doing with it? creating new trends and fashions to make you constantly unsure if you are on the cutting edge of what he says is cool? what a fulfilling existence.
the article was full of pictures of his apartment and the things that he filled it with. he has an extensive collection of guitars and exotic automobiles. he also seems to have a lot of record albums. how quaint! what this tells me is that niggo likes things! just like i do! i like things too niggo! maybe sometime niggo could come over to my apartment and he could look at my collection of video game magazines.
is this what the majority of celebrities home's look like? filled with junk? i mean, cool junk, but it is still junk right? this is what they do with their money? what is the point? do you think that any of these people have actual friends or relationships? do you think they are constantly wondering if their friends like them for who they are? i think it sounds like a sad time to be alive. how could you ever be friends with someone like niggo? what do you, boring old you in your efficiency apartment, have in common with niggo? what would you talk about? would he come over to play video games on your little tv? when do you think that the last time niggo got to hang out with someone and that someone treated niggo like a regular dude?
did i just create the ultimate job for myself? i could run a service where i help to ground celebrities. i get called in to bring these bloated egos back down to a realistic level.
i think about the fall of civilization a lot. like, economic collapse, or zombie apocalypse. and in my fantasies i always end up running into a celebrity. somehow in my attempt to escape from our alien invaders i end up in a basement hiding out with michael douglas or donovan mcnab. and in-my fantasy i always take the high road and i never acknowledge how even though they thought they were above the rest of the non celebrities, in the end, it was a normal boring non celebrity that expertly saved them and helped them evade capture. i also act like i never even heard of them. just to mess with their minds a little bit more.
i don't know, it seems to me like we give a lot of these people so much adoration and attention and what do we get in return? everyone that is famous in this country, they are only where they are because of people like you and me, the nobodys. wee pay to see their movies, listen to their music, watch their sitcoms and cheer for their teams. they are rich because of us. and how do they repay us? how do they acknowledge this bizarre relationship that exists? i am really asking. what do they do for us? i don't think anything, but maybe i am missing something.
it is just what i was thinking about on my day off is all.
lvoematthew

300 dpi!

well my foot is basically back to normal. the doctor said so. that is good right? i mean, that is at least something good to think about right? i hve to work at the market today. that means probably lots andd lots off slicing the delii meats and cheeses. they save that stuff for me to do because i am new and they think i am still intrigued by the slicer and its one and only function. i am just happy to not be a cashier i guess. it seems like people on vacation are always under the most stress. at least families with children. i see a lot of young couples that are doing fine, seemingly happy and content. i also see a lot of older couples with nothing to say to each other. i wonder how easily you slip iinto those roles? one day you wake up and everything is fine and normal, the world is exactly how you left it. the next morning you are grumpy and beat and you are bitter and you role over and look at your partner and a chill runs down your spine and you take all of your disappointment out on them and anyone else that wants to love you. maybe? are people just scared to do what they really want to do? are they worried that they will be chastised for it? do they not want to try and fail? or do they not even know what it is that they wanted and are angry at their inability to find that thing to give them peace? do you know? i think that i know what those thingss are. maybe that is a mistake to believe that i know what i want, but what is my other option?
tomorrow is the funeral of the man who died on the motorcycle.
i don't think that ii can go because i have to work, but we'll see. maybe i can move things around a bit.
ihave to go get some things printed. i will talk with you soon.
lovematthew

hey. i am here. do you see me?

I realized why I was so nervous bout Charlie and Preston and matt stopping by, it is because I always wonder and worry if I will still seem like how I used to seem back when we hung out all the time. I was telling truen that I think that I am cool, but I don’t think that other people do, and I am surprised when people want to talk to me, or want to know what I think about something, I just don’t feel like people usually see me as cool as I see myself. And I always think that with time, your memories of people, or places take on this certain way in your mind and you sort of embellish it by making it better or worse than it actually was. See that is how cool I am to myself, I think that everyone else in the world think like I think. But I guess not because it was really awesome to see those guys again.
But another part of why I am so standoffish about seeing old friends like that is that it is very sad to me also. Time is precious, right? And I feel like you can’t fit all you want to do or say into small conversations and interactions. And so when Charlie is standing by me, or Preston add matt are talking with me in the rec room, part of me can’t help but notice how my time with these guys will become less and less frequent. How these little moments are kind of what I will always remember. Did you ever see the movie Peggy sue got married with Kathleen turner where she goes back in time to high school but she takes with her the knowledge and experience of her forty year old self? There is a part where she is sitting with her grandparents, and they are talking to her about life and death and she is just so happy to see them alive for one last time, but she knows that this can’t last, and that no matter what, you can’t cram more into something than that thing can hold to begin with. When she leaves her grandparents she is crying and just wanting to stay and hug them for as long as possible. That is how I feel when I see my old friends. I don’t want it to end, because when they leave, I can’t go with them. As if they are getting into some time machine and going back to when we played music together and rode skateboards together and all the other things that you do when you don’t know what else to do with your life. I can hardly stand the thought. I never want to say goodbye.
My mom used to say that to me when I was little, that I never wanted to say goodbye. We would go visit my cousins in Illinois and we would stay and eat dinner and I would get to play outside with them and wee would just run around and be kids, and then I would have to get into the car and leave, but who wants to do that when you are having so much fun? Who wants the fun and excitement to end? Not 7-year-old Matthew Kirk. But a bigger part of that is that you know that you are going back to your normal life. Your house that you know by heart and could probably walk through with your eyes closed. Your normal routines, your normal diet, the normal sounds that are in the air when you step out onto your normal porch.
There is so much to say about all of this, but a lot of it is just repetitive and too nostalgic. But I had a nice time seeing my old friends. I guess that is the moral of this post. So when you are re-capping this post to your friends and peers, the ones too busy to read about the interesting inner workings of my big head, you can just sum it all up by saying, “Matthew had a nice time seeing his old friends, and he realized what a silly thing it is to worry that old friends won’t accept the new you, because if they were ever actually your friends, then they should be able to see past the bullshit.” I hope you guys are good. lovematthew

what are those words?

i was listening to my boss talk to a customer this morning about when he graduated from college and his adventures he had. it reminded me of how i don't try hard enough. it isn't always because i am lazy, but lots of times it is just a lack of confidence iin myself. i was making a list of things that i wanted to do but didn't. and almost each and every time i didn't do them because i didn't believe that i could, and i thought i would fail trying. the whole time i was thinking about this i wass chopping red peppers and i didn't even cut off any of my fingers whicch is amazing since i was so totally deep in my thoughts. little things are fine for me to handle and summon the confidence i need to achieve my goals. but when it comes to something large, i get really scared and i just can't make myself do it. i am my biggest obstacle. it is a sad realization, but an important one i suppose.
well let me tell you about my teeth grinding problem. i think that i am stressing myself out about the fall and winter plans. it would help if i had any, but the lack of plans is resulting in me not acting like my normal self and last night when i was sleeping i started to grind my teeth. it wass really gross feeling and i woke myself up several times, but every time ii fell back to sleep i would start again. finally truen gave me a pen and i stuck that in my mouth to keep me from ruining my teeth. i thiink it worked fine, but i am not looking forward to getting used to a life off chewing on a pen in my sleep. it sounds horrible.
and finally charlie and preston and matt garvin are visiting for the weekend. jim asked if truen adn i wanted toplay baseball or something with all of them, but i really don't want to. i know that we used to hang out all the time, but it just makes me too sad to think about seeing them. it isn't like it used to be and i don't know how to deal with it. i hardly see jim anymore and i haven't seen charlie in a long time, preston and matt in an even longer time. i feel like some people are supposed to jsut remain your friends in the past part of your memory. is that true? i don't knwo, i feel like i lack the social skills to properly hang out with anyone anymore.
well, i have some soul searching to do, so, if you'll excuse me, goodbye. lvoematewh

that dog in the photo is laughing at you.

the man that crashed his motorcycle lasst week is going to be taken off of liffe support tomorrow. i didn't know him very well, but it still is a sad feeling ii get when i think about it. i have been fairly accident prone lately, within the last three years i broke my collar bone, and i severed a tendon, and i had really bad food poisoning, i hurt my knee and i crashed my bike a couple of times. each time, each accident could have been worse, and so when i think of this man dying, it just makes me sad and nervous.
i have to go slice some meat now.
you know what makes you not want to eat meat? handling meat. maybe it makews some people want to eat meat, but for me, i just look at this lump, this pressed ball of meat that in no way is natural, and i just feel sick.
so anyways, that is all. be good guys.
lvoematthew

door keys!

so i think that i succesfully posted original drawings for sale on the site. i am not positive that it will work, but we will see now won't we? i was so tired yesterday because i was the cook at the egg stand and i cooked 110 burritos! can you imagine!? i think that the stress from having that responsibility thrust upon me coupled with the heat and steam and egg residue floating in my face all day is the reason that i have mild breakouts on my face this morning. also it could be from sitting too close to the campfire last night. or iit could be my constant diet of chocolate chip cookies. any number of factors really.
i posted a photo of me and truen not getting along on the dock. isn't it priceless? don't worry, we are fine now. it was all a misunderstanding, i forgot that i am an idiot and she is a princess. stupid me.
guys, my hus is getting bummed about her website. i don't know what to do becausee i thought that this whole time that this is what she wanted to be doiing, and so imagine my confuse-ment when she says that maybe it isn't what she wanted. WHAT!? i don't like feeling like i can't help someone i care about. but this is not my deal, iit is not up to me. i just hope she fiigures it out.
moving on...
it is getting cooler, how did the sumer go by so quick? lately i have been sleeping with no blanket, but last night i had to double up my blanket to stay warm. dang!
well, i hope you are all well, i posted 12 poloroids of my summer so far on the site also, you can find them if you look hard enough.
good luck.
lovemattehw

run into the hook.

dang dude, i was cooking today... cookin! 110 burritos! i am all keyed up, i don't think i can settle down. i have to go to my other job now, so i don't have a lot of time. tomorrow i have to work on my life. seriously.
so it has been three weeks since the accident, and it is feeling much better, thanks for asking.
the thing is that my toe lifts up, but the tip doesn't. so i wonder if that iis right. is that what the doctor wanted? if so, what kind of sick game is he playing?
holy crap these soccer chicks just came into the coffee shop and they look TOUGH! i bet they have more muscles in one of their legs than i do in my entire body. well what an awesome thing to witness.
i don't know guys, i don't know what else to say. truen is starting scoopers tonight. i wonder how she will like it? i don't think it will be that bad, but it certainly is an odd choice for employment.
be good guys, i will be bacck later.
lovemattehw

DNR!

did you kknow that i work at a breakfast burrito stand?
i totally do. it is called good eggs. it is in ephraim. ephraim is in door ccounty.
so i got to go back to work now that the stitches are out and for the most part i have an alright foot again. and today wass my third day back. this isn't going anywhere specific, but i am waiting for truen to get done cleaning toilets so that i can give her a ride home, and i am "passing the time" until i see her.
because this is such a small town news and gossip travel quickly and so here is the big news, although it is tragic, and i am just telling you what happened.
this man that lives up here, and everyone knows him, he crashed his motorcycle into a car and is on life support in green bay. i only talked with him once or twice, he was one of those adults that kind of made you feel like you were in high school again and he wass the cool older kid that you were lucky to be talking to. he was nice, but i just always felt like i wasn't cool enough. which i am not.
anywyas, so now he is alive by the miracle of machines, and i wonder why? accidents happen every day, i am more aware of this now than ever before, but still, i can't help but wonder why these things happen? i suppose there is no reason, and my job is not to question. my job is only to make vegetables smaller and more easy to eat in a burrito. a breakfast burrito. s
just for the record, if i am ever in a car crash or some accident that leaves me iin a coma or something, please do not resuscitate. allow do not interfere with nature on this alright? i would be much happier to die than to hae machines doing everything for me.
well, i am goig to go now, i hope everyone is well, i am cross posting this into my blog also. by the way, i don't like the word blog.
be good guys. lvoematthew

my friend sarah.

my friend sarah is visiting from madison and trying to help me change the background images on this blog. it is not that hard once i know what i am looking for in the code, but it is definately intimidating.
what do you think about satelite radio? i don't know what it would be like to have it at my house, but i will tell you that it has succeeded in allowing me to hear the same music in almost every restaurant i go into.
my mom just won a subscription to a satelite radio system and i think that is great, i think that she would enjoy having it, but she gets very nervous about using technology. once she gets the hang of something she really enjoys it. but getting used to something new like that, well like i said about how intimidating computer code is, well, i suppose that that is how my mom feels about technology. that and also that it is the work of the devil.
the thing is though that i was talking to sarah about it and how in elementary school we had one computer. all i ever did with that computer is look at pixelated green pornography. i also played oregon trail. that was pretty sweet.
but by the time that my brother was in that same grade, ten years later, they had a huge computer lab and he wass typing away and never thought twice about it.
i read an article about how "experts" are worrying about how things like online gaming and myspace are changing the ways that kids interact with eachother in a bad way. they have no patience, they have no attention span, they have stunted social skills. they have no tolerance for things that don't allow them to customize the final outcome. so, wee have that to look forward to in the future. great.
i think that i born at a good time because i grew up with computers being a real thing, but not something that was widely used in every day situations. so i am not dependant on them. at least i don't think i am. i appreciate them, but i don't need to use them daily. not yet anyways.
i like technology, i like seeing where things are headed in entertainment with technology. but it scares me also. i don't like where a lot of technology iis taking us.
anyways.
i am going to try and work on this background issue.
be good. lovemattehw

stuff french toast.

last night it was raining so hard! there was lightning cracking right above my head, andd you could smell the ozone. i noticed the floor of the tent was slightly damp this morning, i wonder if it was meant to be lived in? or if it was only meant for small trips? i guess the creators of the tent made the tent so that you could set up basse camp at the bottom of mountaineering expeditions and things like that, and those trips probably can take a while, so i don't see how it could be bad for the tent to be out like this in the elements. maybe i need to get a tent to put my tent in?
guess what i am drinking?
that was a game that my grandpa used to play with me when i was little.
ha!
seriously, i am drinking cranberry tea! it smells really good, but i don't think that it tastes like what it smells like. i thiink that is the main thing with tea for me, i don't like that it always smells so much better than it tastes.
well, i hope that you are well, if there is anything i can do to help, let me know.
life for example i fixed the faucet in my mom's shower so that it gets full water pressure. talk about handy!
be good guys. lvoematthew

early to finish.

alright! so i finally can show you my foot. are you amazed? are you jealous? are you as numb to the sight of me in the hospital as Truen?
well, after two missed weeks of work and hobbling around, i am back in full effect! i still hobble a little, and i can't really run or anything, but i can go swimming again finally! isn't that great? i can also even wash my foot finally! imagine trying to wassh a stick of soft butter, that is what it was like to wash my foot after nearly three weeks of neglect.
well, i am going to go now and work on my website.
i always say that to myslef, "right. i am going to really work on my website right now!" but then i don't, and where does it get me? nowhere.
be good guys. lovemattehw