Chippy Choppy.

Do you think you feel how ever old you are?
Are you old? Or do you just think you are old?
I feel very not old.
But I don't feel young.
I feel like I am moving sideways through time, stuck in this weird older, wiser adolescence.

When I was actually young, I mean physically younger, I had some experiences with some adults that gave me this sort of insight into what to expect... some day.
At the time, it was all very negative things, but you know, I feel lucky to have had them there to point out what they saw in me.
Remember when I said that I am not good at planning?
That I have never really had a life plan or goal other than drawing, feeding, dressing and sheltering myself?
They saw that in me right away.
They told me so!
I lacked direction in my life.

Weird huh?
Like I was wearing a sign around my neck.
"Where am I going and what am I doing?"

Maybe they saw it in my eyes.
Like how you can sometimes see things in an animal's eyes.
A lost, wandering horse or dolphin or something.
A confused gorilla maybe?

Anyways, I guess I was thinking today while I was on the train that I am getting older in my body.
I can feel that when I wake up.
But in my mind, I still feel way young.
I am still that wandering, lost, confused Hor-illa-phin.

Do you get to have a three day weekend?
I do.
I hope you enjoy whatever you can, and say "hi" to your relatives and stuff.
lovematthew

Odor Variations.

This is a three day weekend coming up.
This is exciting right?
Lots of guys from work seem to have plans of leaving town.
I am going to stay put.

I don't know what it is about leaving for a vacation but I always get sort of nervous that I should be doing something else instead.
I also start to feel like it is never enough time, once you factor in travel time, getting situated, eating and sleeping, it just ends up feeling like not enough time.
I think I need to pad my vacations with at least 2 days on both ends of the trip so that if I want a week for my trip, I need 11 days off total so that I can get there, get acclimated, enjoy my trip and then when I leave, I know that I am in no rush to get back because I still have two extra days to re-situate.

So, that is that.

You know that tomorrow I have a secret meeting? It is true.
A meeting that may very well determine my fate in New York!

Also, I was in a store the other day looking at TVs and on one of the TVs was Beyonce.
I watched her dance and sing in front of a crowd of people.
Then it cut to her in a series of "candid" out takes that were supposed to make you feel like you were seeing a side of her that only her friends and relatives see.
Like you are her friend, and she is letting you see her just be silly.

It was this weird sort of humiliation and sadness that I felt for her.
The humiliation was more for myself because I imagined it was me in front of the crowd of screaming fans and I was dancing and singing.
I am not a big dancer.
I mean, I am not a good dancer.
I wouldn't know, I don't dance.
But maybe I would if I was getting paid as much as Beyonce does to perform.

But then I was thinking... That is all she is doing, performing.
I wondered how much input does she have in the performance?
It is hard for me to believe that she is the mastermind of her career.
I mean, that would take so much time and effort, there is no way she could orchestrate it all.
Writing her songs, singing her songs, coming up with her dances, choreographing it all, staying thin, looking beautiful...

Smiling all the time!

It was so hollow and sad to me.
I mean, what does she REALLY like to do?
No one probably cares.
No one wants to watch her read a book, or walk around the city.

I have talked before about how sad celebrities seem to me, so I am not saying anything new.
But you know, the other day we drove past a prison in New Jersey and I could see some of the inmates in "the yard".
It gave me the chills.
I was never happier to be in a truck in New Jersey.
I thought "compared to that, EVERYTHING in my life seems pretty great"...

I had the same thought when I watched Beyonce dance and sing.

Compared to THAT, EVERYTHING in my life seems pretty great."

I hope you have a good weekend.
Be happy you can do what you want and you don't have managers or guards telling you where to be, what to do, what to wear and when and what to eat.

lovematthew

Also, I rented a DVD recently, it had an interview with Al Gore on it.
You can find the DVD here: http://www.wholphindvd.com/index.php
I highly recommend this interview.
It is hard for me to hear what he has to say in this piece and not feel extremely sad that he is not in charge of the country.
I know he might have seemed a little preachy in his movie, and I know that people might have other issues with him, but I don't care.
He explains how one might go about creating a more peaceful environment in two sentences.
They are the most insightful, intelligent and well meaning sentences I have ever heard.
So, maybe you will check it out some time.

Thin layer of grime.

Today is Truen's Birthday.
It is the 6th birthday that I have been responsible for celebrating.
I have so far always done a good job and I have to admit, I did a good job today.

I won't go into specifics, so as not to make you jealous of the awesome presents I got for her.
But I will say this, any future dude that comes along and tries to charm her with gifts, well he better bring his A+++ game or else he will be in for a truly embarrassing schooling.

I heard some of these terms once while playing basketball, a game that I seem to not get to play lately since three of my teammates/ adversaries are on vacation right now.

Anyways, You know you got a good wife when you can give her an old hammer and she almost starts balling her eyes out.

So, how are things with you?
Did you see Michael Vick almost start crying?
That dude messed up so bad huh?
Way worse than anything I ever messed up for.

Are you excited for the Iron Man movie?
I watched some of that footage, it was from a convention of some kind, possibly Better Homes and Gardens Expo?
Anyways, IT looks so good huh?
You would probably be more excited to hear my buddy Aaron describe it.
He really does it justice.

Well, be good, I am going to have cheesecake for dessert!
lovemathew

The Beast is Done.

Last night Truen got out of the train tunnel and she looked pregnant.
It was awesome.
She had to get some pregnant shirts and she was wearing one of them.
I had a box of fried chicken and some macaroni and cheese.
Also I had a piece of Apple PIE!
We ate it in the park.

It was Dave's birthday yesterday.
Dave is Truen and Garrett's dad.
He is the model of how I hope to feel and act when I am 50.
Can you even imagine?
Did I tell you about the time I saw Dave climb a rope with his bare hands?
NO LEGS INVOLVED!
Dave feels old, but he is full of knowledge and one of the things he said when I first met him was...
"what the mind believes, the body achieves"

That is some wise stuff huh?
He is full of that sort of stuff.
I think he can channel the spirits of those great thinkers and prophets before him.
He is what you call an "elder".

Of course I also watched him try to grill some hot dogs for almost thirty minutes before he realized the grill was out of gas.

Anyways, yesterday was good and today looks nice so far.
I hope you are well.
lvoematthew

Thumbs UP!

Do you ever find money on the ground?
I occasionally do.
Today A-rod found $20. in the street!
Good job!
It is a weird feeling because it is money you didn't have, and now you are that much richer...
But the thing is that you really aren't because you end up blowing it on something just because you can blow it almost guilt free.
Maybe you should just save it.

Did you ever think of that!? DID YOU!?!

Dude, Free Cookie Friday is nice.
It was fig bars last week AND this week.
SWEET!

Do you know if Caitlin found an apartment yet?
I wonder because her stuff is gone.
And my room is cleaned up.
So, where did you take her?
You should know that she asks a lot of questions, and she likes cheese curds.

Well, I am going to go now.
I hope you are well.
And if you see Nathan before I do, then give him a hug for me.
For you too.
lvoematthew

Met up with a guy.

Today is rainy, like yesterday.
Like tomorrow is going to be.
Like gods don't want me to play basketball anymore.
Or for a while.

I got a message today on my phone from Carlos.
It said, "I am watching you..."
I immediately looked over my shoulder and to my relief, saw nothing.
Then when I turned back to face front, Carlos was standing not even an inch away from my face.
He must work in his socks.
I never heard him not once.

My brother cut his hair.
I like it alright.
My Mom is maybe going to like it less than alright.
I said to Nathan I said, "Why don't you just shave the words 'kick me out of your basement' in the back of your head"?

I laughed when I said that.

Be good.
Find Caitlin an apartment already.
lvoematthew

Slow day.

This morning it was sort of chilly and grey outside.
Those are nice days to wake up to when you can look out the window and decide to go back to bed.
They are hard days to wake up to when you have to go to work.
But, still it is nice to walk to work without working up a sweat from the heat.
It is nice to have a nice slow day at work while it is grey outside.
It was a good day.
Do you know Caitlin?
She is my friend who is staying with us while she tries to get an apartment squared away.
She is losing her mind.
It is cute.
Some day she will see it as cute.

One time I was sitting in the kitchen of our house on Indiana St.
I was trying to tell my Mom that I didn't really want to work full time OR go to school.
I liked riding my skateboard and playing music with my friends, and I just wanted to work my dish washing job and let that be that.
Somehow I ended up having to describe to my Mom how I planned on accomplishing things in life without a full time job and full time money.
Unfortunately I ended up saying something close to this, not verbatim, but close enough...

"Well, I guess I would just offer to work for the things I wanted, like, directly with no money exchanging hands, just services and stuff."

My Mom asked what did I mean by this, please describe this concept further.

"Fine, for example, say I want to learn how to skydive, well, I could just maybe offer to work for the lessons, like, I could wash the planes, or clean the hangars or something... I mean, I don't know HOW I would do it, but I am pretty sure I could figure something out."

Way to go me! You have gumption and I like that!
I blame my Navajo genes and the concept of Wampum that was planted in my brain by these genes.
I knew at the time I was taking a risk by explaining things like this to my Mom, I knew I would probably have to hear about this for a while and true enough, I still hear about it occasionally.
But the thing is, when you are basically given two choices, work or school, what are you supposed to do?
I know, I know, washing a plane in a hangar in exchange for a cot and a chance to jump out of the plane you just washed IS work.
But I don't see it like that.
It is work, yes, but it is on my own terms.
It is more satisfying in a way, right?

I just wanted to be able to have more choices than school or a full time job.
Who wouldn't?

So Caitlin, she is figuring out a lot of things right now, and often she says things to me that immediately take me back to my little kitchen on Indiana St and I wonder if in ten years she will look back on any of this and have the same feeling I get thinking of younger me.
Wash bucket in one hand, rag in the other, walking out into the hot desert sun to "work" for my lessons.

i love you guys.
lovemahtew

Dreamed Masterpiece.

A part for a machine that makes a part for a machine.

Well, as you can see, the baby is coming along nicely.
You can tell it is mine by it's size and composition, large and bronze.

Can you believe this thing!? Someone had a vision, and this was their vision.
Did you know that there is a place out in the "country side", it is upstate a bit, and it is a foundry where they make these kinds of sculptures.
It is a very impressive place, lots of different things going on in that building.
In the middle of nowhere.
NOWHERE!
After visiting the foundry on work related business, I realized some things.

One: this is a very involved process that requires lots of man hours and labor to make something like this. No matter how much I would want to have a hand in it's creation, it is just too big a task for one person.
Even after realizing this, I feel a bit let down by the fact that the artist turns the project over to a crew to basically build the artist's "vision", and this hands off approach seems sort of like cheating or something.
I mean, this looks like a thing that involves heat and sparks and fumes and steam, molten metal and sand and machines.
Danger!
So the least you could do is chip in and put yourself in the shit so in case anything goes wrong, you are there.
Right?
It is a job for these other guys, but it is the artist's "passion" or something. Not to mention, this crew is getting paid probably an hourly wage, and while it might be better than working a fast food job, it is definitely not anything compared to the money you get from selling a piece like this to the corporation that bought it.
I really like heavy things, metal and stone.
A large log.
I would like to make something big and heavy, I like how it sounds in my mind.
But if it was something that was like this, I would want as much a part of it's creation as the foundry's insurance policy would allow.

Two: I Think there are certain things that no matter what, I have to hand it over to human kind for really stepping up and making something amazing.
Like a bridge.
Like the Williamsburg bridge by my house.
I was sitting underneath it last night and looking up at it.
It got me thinking about something I was talking to Truen about one time, it was a phrase or something close to it:
"A machine to make a part for a machine to make a part for a machine to make a part...."
Something starts out small and ends up being part of something much bigger.
The industrial revolution is what is responsible for my awe I guess.
Someone had a job to make something, say it was a nail or screw.
They start out doing it by hand, but eventually they (or a group of people) come up with an idea for a simple machine or tool to make their job easier.
And from there it just compounds, it rolls over and over getting exponentially bigger with every turn.
So many pieces go into the bridge, so many different specialized processes and skills and trades.
Materials and ideas, built on the history of building so many bridges before it.

I feel like I am screaming inside my head right now, my brain is out of breath.

...

Well, I guess the point is that I am amazed by what human kind has accomplished sometimes.
A bridge can be very simple, or very complex, but no matter what it is, it is way better than any bridge I ever seen a monkey build.

I am going to drink some water and lay down.
be good guys,lovnethwer

Dust Puddles.

I had a dream the other morning.
It was after I woke up to urinate.
I dreamt this:

There was a pack of three dogs, they were walking slowly and not looking at anything.
There was a dog that looked like an old coyote, a dog that looked like a large beagle and a dog that looked like a sausage.
The sausage was ridding on top of the coyote, like the coyote was a horse.
Then, the coyote hit a bump and dropped the sausage in the grass.
The coyote kept walking, and I ran over and picked up the sausage and rubbed it's belly.
It was a very friendly dog and when I took it to the house where the other dogs lived, the owners were very disappointed to see it again.
I gave it back, reluctantly and then I woke up feeling like I should have kept the dog.

I guess I just want to have a dog.
I like dogs, like, when they sniff your ears or roll on their backs in the dirt.
A dog to pull you from a fire or flood.
A dog to warn you of an earthquake or ghost.
A dog to lay by your feet.

Some day I would like to have a life situation that allows for a family dog.
And a place for that dog to be in nature.

I hope you are well.
Pet your dogs if you got them.
You lucky bastards.
lovematewh

My biggest fan.

I guess there is a guy that shows up on Fridays.
He leaves cookies, or potato chips in the office.
So, on Fridays, when I get back from the city, I go straight to the office to see what he left.
It is the only reason I go to work on Fridays.
But tomorrow I am not going out, I am staying in the warehouse.
Carlos, my biggest fan, said to check in around 11.
That is usually when this guy leaves the stuff.

...What am I supposed to do BEFORE that!?

Well, I know what I am doing AFTER that, I am going to drink a pina colada at the taco place.
Like, 2 or 5 of those.
You know, to cool off.

Well, anyways, TGTFCF!
lovematewht
(thank god tomorrow is free cookie friday)

A box of garbage.

FIRST OFF, I guess it is not official that MIchael Vick is suspended for the season.
At least, so says the NFL.
Dude will be too busy in the court room to play though, so, even if it is not "official" it is at least comforting to know that He will have to sit in court while Joey Harrington takes the snaps.
I always liked Joey Harrington.
And as far as I know, the only thing he ever did wrong wrong was play for the Detroit Lions.
HA!

I have a recurring dream that I am blowing my nose and hocking up phlegm.
Last night I was talking to David Bowie and then I had this urge, I could feel a big ball of snot in my nose and I had to get it out immediately or else I would not get another chance.
So I started to blow this big plug out of my nose right in front of David Bowie.
I just knew he would understand though, and I was right.
He went into the other room.
Later on, I found him in Truen's grandma's house playing a song on the organ.

Ever since I had surgery on my jaw, I have felt like there is a new cavity in my skull, and I guess I worry that it is full of snot or something. So, that is why I dream these dreams, I think...

Well, that is all.
I hope you are well and that you have enough to eat.
Remember to drink plenty of water.
lovematthew

The Joker.

Did you know that I have two shows coming up?
It is true.
The problem is that the work for these shows is all on paper, and I don't know if I can afford to frame it.
Actually, I KNOW I can't afford to frame it.
If it were only as easy as framing someone for murder.
Or shoplifting, that is what I meant to say.

I am sure I will think of something.
I used to be pretty good at that.

I hope you are well.

Did you read that they suspended Michael Vick for the season?
I read that today.
Hooray!
What a dick head huh?
I know he is a sports super star.
So he will probably get away with this.
But let's all say a little prayer that the jury finds him guilty and as a punishment he is forced to play a game of football where he is not allowed to scramble from the pocket and actually has to throw the football.
Then, if he performs badly, he can either choose to be shot in the head, drowned, electrocuted OR he has to go straight to a pit where he must fight a champion fighting pit bull.
I think that would be exciting!

be good.
lovemathew

Bowl of Zingers.

Below is a blog that my wife wrote earlier today.
The funniest part is that I forgot that she voted for that dick head two times.
Before you make any judgement though, it WAS on accident.
... she was in a hurry and is easily frazzled.
Anyways, I think I got the funniest girl in the world.
be good. loveamtehw

Start here:
alien.com has this thing at the bottom, it says amy's diary. i don't know if you will laugh, but i laughed soooo hard.

also, what about rush hour 3? is that the fucking stupidest shit you've ever heard? it's not cool for jackie chan, you know? he used to be a respectable fellow. i just don't know what to think anymore. it's pathetic. it's like... after i voted for bush the second time, hoping that things would be different... just to be let down so hard, again. it's ironic! because bush has that famous quote about not being burned by a candle twice, and that's just what he did to this country, isn't it.

today i ate 7 hard boiled eggs and a bowl of zingers. it didn't make me feel better, but, it was fun while it lasted.

love truen

Foreign Candy.

This morning my alarm clock was thunder!
It rained really hard.
I found this out after the fact, but it was obvious I had slept through something heavy.
Thunderstorms, Trigonometry, it doesn't matter.
Give it to me and I will sleep through it!

Actually this is not true.
I have not been sleeping well lately and that is why I think I was so tired that I slept through the flash floods, the lightning, the hurricane force winds, there was even a possible tornado somewhere in Brooklyn and I missed it on account of me being out cold.

Yesterday I had this type of candy that I had never had before.
It was like a Starburst, but from Japan.
Damn it was good.
I am going to buy some when I am walking home tomorrow.

Until then, try not to sweat.
I dare you!
loveamthew

Bluff Monster

Hey dude.
It is super hot outside.
I was walking to the train with T and the wind was blowing, hot and dusty.
The sweat on my forehead acted as an adhesive and the dust and debris was sticking to my face, like a mask of garbage.
Then the sweat started to run and wash the garbage mask into my eyes.
The dusty sweat resulted in crusty eyeballs.
When I would blink it sounded like I was crushing corn flakes with my eyelids.
GROSS!

You know what?
I love my job.
How many people get to say that?
I DO!
I mean, I like all the guys I work with, and I like getting to ride around the city, and I like getting to see all the art, both in the galleries and in the warehouse.
I just really enjoy my job almost 100% of the time.

It makes it hard to think about leaving the city though.
On one hand I have this job that means a lot to me, it is a big reason to want to stay in a place that results in the garbage mask I described earlier.
On the other hand, I have no family here, and I don't get to swim in Lake Michigan and walk in the woods and be by myself in the peace and quiet of Northern Wisconsin.

It is something that I feel very torn over.
But for now I am just thankful that I have the things I enjoy here in New York, and I try to find new things ass often as possible.
It helps when I get homesick, or when I think about the future too much.

I hope all is well, I will talk to you soon.
lovematthew

The Workday.

The thing is that I used to think that having a child would ruin my life.

I never doubted that I could be a father.
I can be responsible, I can nurture... I CAN!
Sure! Why not?
You just watch me nurture.

But I also thought that I had a lot of other things I wanted to do first, and I couldn't picture myself getting all that stuff done in time to still have my youth and raise a child.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't immediately excited by the news.
I would also be lying if I said that I never thought that news would be good news, or exciting news.

But let's be honest, I have a lot of free time and I am not getting any of the things done that are on my list of things to accomplish before I get a child.
Does this mean that I will never be able to check off my list?
Who cares?
How about you show me YOUR list and let's compare completion stats.

Someone commented and congratulated me on "ruining my life".
What a sad thing for someone to say, what a sad person this must be.

We went to Wisconsin to tell our Families about the news.
We sat on the porch with our Parents and our Siblings.
Our Grandparents and some Aunts and Uncles were there.
We watched the sunset and there weren't any mosquitoes.
We had food from the grill and salad and frosty drinks.
We had a bonfire and ate marshmallows and played Bocce.
We were surrounded by a loving group of people that were all so happy for us...
To have that support and to feel this collective joy...
To be building a family, and to be contributing to this larger family...

I guess I just don't see how this could ever be something that is ruining my life.
I am so lucky, I feel so lucky.
I love my life.

I hope all is well for you guys.
And please, I like to read the comments, but if you are going to be a dick about it, take it somewhere else alright?
I got no time for it.
lovematthew

The eye of the Doughnut.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you that I am going to be a father.
If all goes as planned, in 6 moths or so I get to legally take home a baby from the hospital.
No police intervention THIS time.

This will probably change a lot about my life huh?

I will have more to say about this in the near future.

I have to go eat something.
lovematthew